The Bachelor recap: Zach's journey to find love goes on Covid lockdown
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It took two years and six seasons, but Queen Coronavirus finally came for the lead of a Bachelor franchise. Soon after everyone touched down in London, Zach had to put his "journey" to find "love" into Covid lockdown. What followed was an episode that was surreal, sublime, and gloriously ridiculous. Three words, rose lovers: "Virtual cocktail party."
Let's recap!
ABC London calling
"Pip pip, cheerio! We are in London Town!" announces the Bachelor in his obligatory This is The Perfect Place to Fall in Love™ introduction. "My goal for this week is to focus on the romantic connections."
Oh, Zach. Are you familiar with the saying, "We plan, God laughs"? You will be soon. After settling in at the Park Plaza Westminster Bridge hotel, the women gather in the sitting room to hear who gets the first one-on-one date. Greer is really, really hoping her name is on the card, because she really, really loves tea. Exhibit A:
ABC Greer's teacup tattoo
Sorry, m'lady, but your dream of high tea in London with Zach is not going to happen. Instead, the date goes to… Gabi! "Yay!" she squeals, clapping her hands. Once she's all dressed up and ready to go, a butler in a bowler hat arrives with this announcement: "Zachary Shallcross shall meet you downstairs whenever you're ready."
With that, Gabi heads out for her date, leaving a group of disappointed women behind her. "I'm feeling defeated," sighs Greer. She got the First Impression Rose, darn it — where's her one-on-one date? "I keep justifying in my head why it keeps getting pushed back and pushed back," she continues, "and like, I'm running out of excuses now."
Zach picks Gabi up in a Rolls Royce limo. It's so fancy it even comes with its own mini-fridge!
ABC Zach and Gabi ride in style
It's all about luxury. "Today, Gabi and I are literally living like royals!" announces Zach. Oh, so they'll be raised in a virtual prison of duty, expectations, and toxic media scrutiny, and will have to sublimate all their personal hopes, dreams, and desires in service of the monarchy?
Nope, they're going shopping! Up first is the Floris London perfumery, an establishment that has created scents for the royal family. Today, Zach and Gabi will be developing their very own perfume with the help of a very polite British man named Edward. First, they begin sampling different scent options, and when Gabi describes one as "like Sour Patch kids when somebody's eating them next to you," it looks like Edward wants to be literally anywhere else but there.
ABC Edward doesn't get paid enough for this
Oh man, do I feel for poor Edward. The man just wants to make his fancy perfumes, and in comes this American reality show with their crass contestants making jokes like, "I love a sensual woody!" Presumably spurred on by producers, Edward then asks Gabi and Zach how they met, and you just know the poor man would rather make tea in a microwave than listen to those two blather on about their "relationship."
Anyhoo, they call their perfume "Zabi," and it smells like that deep void in your soul that can never, ever be filled.
Next stop on Zach and Gabi's royal adventure tour is a meeting with Grant Harrold, former butler to King Charles III. He whips up a batch of the Queen's favorite cocktails, while a stylist named Rachel Fanconi helps Gabi play dress-up with some royal jewels.
But now for the most exciting surprise:
ABC Corgis on parade
Corgis from the "royal bloodline"! Sadly, Gabi and Zach don't get to keep one. At last, it's time for Gabi's Pretty Woman moment, as she tries on fabulous ball gowns and models them for Zach. He gushes over each one, which makes Gabi feel pretty without even having to look in a mirror. "Body image is something I've struggled with," admits Gabi. "But Zach is making me feel beautiful." Awwww.
At last, it's time for the best part of the date: Gabi walking back into the hotel suite with all of her fancy purchases!
ABC She's got that post-shopping spree glow
"Hey guys," she says with a sheepish chuckle. All of the women gasp and squeal as she unwraps each item — shoes, a green satin slip dress, a rhinestone crop top of some sort, diamond earrings. "I can't remember the last time a man's bought me a meal, let alone a pair of Jimmy Choos," grumbles Kylee. The women are all practically disintegrating from pure envy, and Charity even gets choked up about it in her confessional. Ugh, I hate seeing Charity cry! Also in tears: Greer, especially after hearing that Gabi got to have high tea with Zach and some corgis. "That one cut deep, because I told Zach how much I love tea," she moans.
Things get even worse for Greer when Gabi's periwinkle gossamer gown is delivered to the room for the dinner portion of her date. "I'm trying to hold it in," she whispers to Charity. "It's really hard." Too hard, as it turns out. Greer finally gets up abruptly and walks out so she can cry in peace.
Charity goes after her, hoping to offer some comfort. "Greer is having a moment right now," she says. "She is reacting pretty heavily to not getting the one-on-one date." (Side note: Watch the video clip at the top of the post to see Frankenbiting in action. For whatever reason, Team Bachelor used Charity's quote about Greer for the preview clip they released about Mercedes' meltdown. They also trimmed out the Charity one-on-one reveal, which makes a bit more sense.)
ABC Charity consoles Greer
Look at Charity being such a good friend! I truly hope producers will consider this woman for Bachelorette. Greer is still outside in the hallway sobbing when Gabi comes walking out, weighed down with all her bags and her gorgeous gown. Turns out Greer is sitting right in front of Gabi's room — awkward!
Eventually, Gabi is able to go inside and get all gussied up for dinner with Zach. A toast to twentysomethings in formalwear!
ABC Zach and Gabi
That said, the Bachelor knows that all this extravagance and luxury does not a healthy relationship make. "It's like, 'Who's the person you want to wake up to every morning and do life with?'" he muses. "I want something real." Gabi thanks Zach for making her feel so pretty, especially since the last guy she dated kind of did a number on her confidence. (She does not give specifics, which is totally her prerogative.) Both Zach and Gabi agree that it's the "little moments" that matter most in a relationship.
Back at the hotel: Knock knock knock! There's an Accent Table of Doom at the door! The group date goes to… Brooklyn, Kat, Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Kylee, Jess, Mercedes, and Greer. That means Charity finally gets her one-on-one date. Hooray! But now Mercedes is crying — the disappointment of being put on yet another group date is too much for her to bear. Like Greer, she heads out into the hall to have her breakdown.
ABC Mercedes is sad
"Half the girls that are going on the group date have had a one-on-one, so they do have that connection," she says tearfully. "I just don't feel seen. It's such a horrible feeling." Gah, when will Gen Z stop talking about "feeling seen" when someone doesn't give them the attention they want? Sigh.
Meanwhile, Gabi gets the date rose, which she accepts with a smooch. Their evening ends with a "private" concert by none other than Grammy-winning reggae/pop band UB40, now fronted by a nice-looking young man named Matt Doyle. It's so rare when I recognize a musical artist on this show — since most of them are not from the '80s. (Spoiler: I'm old.)
A new day dawns, and the women are prepping for their group date with optimism in their hearts and visions of double decker buses dancing in their heads. "I just want to have a fun-ass day in the U.K. with my boyfriend," says Greer with a giggle. But suddenly — knock knock knock! — another date card arrives at the door. Kaity, would you please do the honors?
ABC Bad news from Zach
The note reads, "Good morning, ladies. I have a great date planned for you all. Unfortunately, I'm a little under the weather, but I don't want to ruin your time here in London. Go enjoy, and I'll see you soon." So… they're going on a group date with no date? The women are crushed, but they're holding on to hope that "I'll see you soon" means "Zach will be at the cocktail party tonight." Kylee is particularly salty. "You weren't too sick to stay up all night with Gabi," she grouses. "You're not going to be too sick to go on a one-on-one with Charity tomorrow."
Don't be so sure, honey. (More on that later.) Anyhoo, all aboard the double-decker bus for the "Journey to Love" tour! Shout-out to the tour guide, who has to deliver his spiel to a group of women who could not be less interested. Case in point:
ABC Kylee isn't loving the bus tour
It gets worse, rose lovers. While they're out on the bus, it begins to rain, and all the women have to huddle under their coats to keep from getting soaked. They finally make it to a pub, where they down some pints and speculate about the possibility of a cocktail party. The booze lifts their spirits, and so they take their buzz to the streets for some silliness, including cramming themselves into a phone booth, downing some fish and chips, and tormenting a poor Beefeater.
ABC They don't pay this Beefeater enough
Way to represent the US, ladies!
That night, the women arrive for the cocktail party, though they still don't know whether Zach will show. "We all got, like, so dressed up to see him, because you've gotta put your best 'fit on for your man," explains Kaity. The glam group gathers in the holding pen, and soon the camera pans to a pair of besuited legs walking up the stairs. Could it be Zach? Has he emerged from his sickbed?
No such luck.
ABC Would definitely watch
JK. This gentleman is just here to deliver a message from Zach. Kat's eyes are already filled with tears before Brooklyn even reads the note, in which Zach apologizes for being too sick to attend. Not the producers letting the women get all dolled up and excited to have a night with the Bachelor only to have a stranger crush their dreams! That is cold.
Kat's crying, Kaity's crying, Mercedes is crying — jet lag plus disappointment equals tears. Greer starts joking about the rose ("Does anyone want a petal?"), which prompts Kaity to begin plucking and distributing petals to her brokenhearted pals. It's pretty sweet, actually.
ABC YOU get a petal! YOU get a petal! Everybody gets a petal!
As for Zach, he's stuck in bed at the hotel, blowing his nose and feeling downright "agitated" about the whole situation. "It sucks just being in London, missing the women," he says. "This is a pivotal point where I'm missing an opportunity to progress relationships." But will he miss his one-on-one date with Charity tomorrow? Seeing the group date women come home early and dejected, Charity worries that her date will be canceled, too. Awww, now she's crying — I hate seeing her cry!
Alas, the next morning, the only man who walks into the women's hotel suite is Jesse Palmer. And he's got "some really bad news" about Zach: "He tested positive for Covid today." You guys, look at poor Charity! She's so disappointed.
ABC Don't cry, queen
Ugh, I wish I could give her a hug. (Side note: Should someone maybe whisk Gabi into quarantine? Or should we just assume that the virus is already out of the barn?) The women are stunned and crestfallen. "So, the million-dollar question now is, what are we going to do?" asks Palmer. The host prompts Kaity to comment on "the severity of this," because she's a nurse. (Does he not know that Kylee and Kat, who are sitting right there, are also nurses?) But Kaity, like the rest of the women, is currently too upset to do much more than cry about how "tough" the situation is.
Later that night, though, Kaity puts together a little care package of London tchotchkes from the hotel gift shop and delivers it to Zach's room. They have a heart-to-heart through the heavy wooden door.
ABC A hallway heart-to-heart
"Just coming over and getting to hear your voice literally means so much to me," says Kaity. "Not knowing when I'm going to see you again really has taken a toll on me… I'm just, like, scared that that momentum is going to fall flat."
From there, Zach and Kaity begin reminiscing about their relationship — their night-one kiss, the museum date, complete with flashback clips. Ohhh, of course! Producers sent Kaity to Zach's room precisely so they could take this walk down memory lane — with no group date or one-on-one date, how else are they going to fill two hours of TV? (Another side note: Was anyone else worried that air from Zach's room could be wafting out into the hall through the crack under the door… right where Kaity was sitting? Covid is airborne, y'all!)
With the Bachelor holed up in his room, there's nothing for the women to do but wait for instructions from Jesse Palmer. Oh look, here he is now! And he's got some good — albeit unintentionally hilarious — news:
ABC Incredible
"I spoke to Zach, and he just could not go another day without seeing you," explains the host. Cut to shots of Zach arranging a lights-and-camera set-up in his room, with the help of some producers via video chat. Which brings me to Palmer's next bombshell: "Later tonight, Zach's going to be holding the first-ever virtual rose ceremony — and unfortunately for some of you, that means you're going to be going home tonight."
In other words, ladies, you'd better bring your A-game to the virtual cocktail party, or you could be getting dumped via Zoom on national television. No pressure!
The Bachelor's version of a "virtual cocktail party" isn't like the Zoom hangouts lots of people had during the height of the pandemic. In this case, it's less of a "party" and more of a "one-on-one video chat" — and it's only fair that Charity gets to go first. She walks into a hotel room and there, waiting for her on the couch, is Zach('s iPad).
ABC Dating in the Covid era
The tablet propped up on the couch cushion! I literally had to pause the show for a minute because I was laughing so hard. "We can acknowledge how weird this is," says Zach with a chuckle. Charity seems genuinely happy to see him, even if only on an 8x10 screen, and she tells Zach not to apologize for their canceled one-on-one date. "I'm happy and glad that you're doing good," she assures him. The Bachelor still wants to make it up to her, so he tells her to look behind the pink pillow, where a present is waiting.
ABC Charity with her gift.
It's a little statue of Big Ben, because, as Zach says, their "time had Ben cut short." It's a dad joke, but it's still cute.
One by one, the rest of the women have their iPad time with Zach. They're all a bit thrown by the fact that unlike FaceTime, they can't see what they look like during the video chat, but they all manage to power through. The bigger challenge, of course, is having to carry on an actual conversation with Zach rather than just making out.
Not surprisingly, several of the conversations center on kissing. "Have you learned any fancy English words?" Kat asks, perhaps not realizing that Zach's been speaking English his whole life. Oh, wait, she's wondering if he's learned any English slang. "I learned one," she announces. "Kiss is 'snug.'" (It's actually "snog," but why quibble?) Kylee tells Zach to hurry up and get better because she's tired of dreaming about his kisses and wants to smooch in person, while Aly brings an orange so they can make out with each other via fruit.
ABC Virtual insanity
Truly, what is this show?
Moving on. Greer goes last, and the poor girl is working so hard to make a good impression and a connection with Zach that she kind of puts her foot in it. "I just feel for you," she says. "I work in sales, and so last time I had Covid was at the end of the quarter, the end of the year. And so, I kind of, like, know what it's like to have a goal that you're trying to reach, and you're stuck." As you can see from Zach's face, he does NOT love this analogy.
ABC FaceTime fail
"I think it's completely different, at least in my perspective, me being frustrated in finding my future wife, versus… the close of the quarter," he says. "In a few short weeks, I could be standing in front of my person, and that means a lot more to me than the end of a sales quarter." Greer stammers out something about how she was just trying to empathize with him, but you can tell the damage is already done. "I think I really upset him," she frets later in a confessional. "What I said really rubbed him the wrong way and it was obvious… I have this feeling that I'm going home tonight."
Well, there's only one way to find out. It's almost time for the most socially distanced rose ceremony… EVER! But first, Jesse sits down with Zach for a pre-ceremony heart-to-heart.
ABC Palmer listens intently
You guys, I'm sorry, but I cannot stop laughing at this. I mean, kudos to the producers for figuring out how to keep the show going, but this just looks so ridiculous — AND I AM LOVING IT! Zach, however, is pretty emotional about having to dump people remotely. "It feels really difficult having to send anyone home during this time," he says, tearing up. "That's where I have a hard time." Yep, it's a lose-lose situation for everyone.
Welp, it's time. Let the virtual rose ceremony commence!
ABC A true fever dream
Darn it! I was truly hoping that Palmer was going to walk in holding a laptop with Zach on the screen. Instead, he beams in on the TV. "Can you see me?" he asks the ladies. Indeed, they can! The video feed works and he's not even accidentally muted. It's a Zoom miracle! "I would literally do anything to get out of this room and be there with you," says the Bachelor. "I really hope you can see my heart as I do navigate this difficult decision."
As Zach calls each name, the women walk up to the table in front of the TV and pick up the rose after he makes the official "Do you accept this rose?" offer. It's as awkward as it sounds.
ABC ???????
Rose ceremony roll call! Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess, Ariel, and Greer (!) join Gabi in the Circle of Safety. (And yes, Palmer did walk in and do the "This is the final rose tonight" announcement — so we did have that bit of normalcy.) It's time to say goodbye to Kylee and Mercedes, who are now officially the first (American) Bachelor contestants to be dumped via Zoom. Take a moment and drop your goodbyes in the chat, ladies. Just kidding. Their goodbyes to Zach are, of course, excruciatingly awkward, but both women handle it with remarkable poise.
ABC Zach and Mercedes
"Usually when you leave, you get, like, closure of, like, hugging him," says a tearful Mercedes in her exit interview. "And I couldn't do that because it was through a frickin' screen." Tough break, honey.
Well, rose lovers, that was something. What did you think of the virtual shenanigans? I, for one, am a little disappointed that Zach didn't roll into the rose ceremony as a telepresence robot. Are you surprised Greer got a rose after her "cocktail party" gaffe? And would you rather be dumped by text or video chat? Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
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