Sister Wives' Kody Brown Admits He Thinks 'Every Day' About How He Could Have Saved His Marriages (Exclusive)

After splitting up with Christine, Janelle and Meri, Kody tells PEOPLE, "I could have done a lot better"

Sister Wives’ Kody Brown feels like he could’ve done more to work on his marriages to Christine Brown, Janelle Brown and Meri Brown.

“The process of this entire experience has a total rollercoaster ride,” Kody, 54, tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “The rollercoaster was fun for a long time, even though it was challenging. We had a lot of challenges. It's just moved to a place where there's been a lot of heartbreak.”

In January, Meri, 52, confirmed her split from Kody after 32 years of marriage. Janelle, 54, confirmed in December that she and Kody parted ways, and Christine, 51, left the marriage in November 2021. Now only Kody’s marriage to Robyn Brown remains.

Related: Sister Wives' Kody Brown Says There's 'No Reason' to Marry Again After He 'Hit the Bottom' (Exclusive)

“I could have done a lot better,” Kody admits. “Every day I think about a place where if I would've managed things differently, if I would've said something differently, we might have moved forward in a different way. It's hard to say that because you get in a place where you feel like, ‘Is my life still headed the direction that it's supposed to?’”

Kody claims things fell apart when the “trust started to erode in the family.”

“We didn't find ourselves working together the same way,” the TLC star says. “I felt like I became cynical about the future and I just couldn't see it. It's very complicated and nuanced relationships and there's so many different angles with the different people of these iterations, It was challenging and it was sad. The unraveling of our family was just me in that leadership position stopped seeing the optimistic future.”

He calls Christine leaving “a wake-up call” that left him feeling angry. “I wasn't managing it right,” he says. “I was saying to Janelle, ‘We got to have a better relationship. We got to dig into this.’ But I wasn't feeling compassionate and loving and stuff like that.”

Not long after that, his marriages with Janelle and Meri fell apart, too. Kody says he decided to come to terms with the breakups and chose to “deal with it” and “move on.”

“Every day you just forgive,” he continues. “Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Because we're not going back to where we were. I have to accept that. I want to get to a place where I'm accepting that with a heart full of grace and love moving forward in my life. We're all moving forward. We're all seeking happiness, and we will all find it.”

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And it appears they've done just that. Earlier this year, Christine got engaged to David Woolley. Janelle tells PEOPLE she loves “seeing our children grow,” and for Meri, “life is good,” she says.

“What will move us forward will be the grace, the love and the forgiveness,” Kody says. “The same grace and love that we were giving each other 10 years ago as we're going through this very difficult process. You have to express understanding and hope that at the end of an era for us as a family, we still have hope of a friendship and a loving or kind relationship with each other in the future because we're bound forever through our kids.”

The Browns have a combined 18 kids, ranging in ages 7 to 29.

Today, Kody says he’s been able to form friendships with some of his exes.

“Meri and I've gone through this cycle and we're at this place of friendship now,” he reveals. “I'm hoping I get there with Janelle and Christine, but I'm still looking for reconciliation with Janelle.”

Related: 'Sister Wives' ' Meri Brown Gives a 'Relationship Status' Update 2 Months After Confirming Split from Kody

Kody does feel like he’s been able to start rebuilding his life in the wake of the three breakups.

“I feel like I've hit the bottom in a deep, deep swimming pool and I've pushed off the bottom and I'm headed to the surface,” Kody says. “That's the optimism of today. Hoping that we move forward with a lot of forgiveness and finding that place where love and grace prevail again. I feel like my confidence is coming back.”

For more on Sister Wives, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribe here.

Sister Wives season 18 premieres Sunday at 10 p.m. ET on TLC.

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