15 Signs You're Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband
During a marriage, you'll likely celebrate milestones, grieve losses and setbacks, and go through ruts. All bring on big feelings, and you can navigate them with your life partner. But what if suddenly, your partner seems to be empty of any feeling at all? They may be emotionally unavailable.
"An emotionally unavailable person is someone who is unresponsive to the emotional needs and cues of others," says dating coach and matchmaker expert Nelly Sudri. "Typically, emotionally unavailable people shut down in moments of vulnerability, are reluctant to put labels on things, are uncomfortable discussing their feelings, and get defensive when confronted about their emotions."
Emotional unavailability—at least for a period—may not be a problem for a married couple. But one mental health professional stresses it's a behavior to know.
"For people who are struggling with an emotionally distant partner, this can be problematic," says Michele Goldman, Psy.D, a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "This is why we would want to discuss it before it grows any larger and resentments begin to grow."
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What Is Emotional Unavailability?
Technically, there's no concrete definition. "Emotional availability can look different for different people," Dr. Goldman explains. "Generally, someone who is emotionally unavailable is not very comfortable with emotionality."
"Emotionally stunted" or "distant" are other words people may use to describe emotional availability.
"These folks might be uncomfortable when emotions are communicated or expressed, and they struggle with expressing themselves," Dr. Goldman says. "They have a hard time connecting to someone else because they might be cut off from their own emotions."
Why Is Emotional Unavailability a Problem in a Marriage?
Emotional unavailability can happen in numerous relationships, including the workplace and friendships. But it can put the most significant issues in a marriage.
"In many relationships [like at work], one person is not as emotionally attuned or connected as another, which isn't necessarily problematic," Dr. Goldman says. "In a marriage, if someone is emotionally unavailable, it can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, unmet needs, lack of intimacy and difficult feelings. These might be foundational aspects of a partnership, and thus problematic if not occurring."
Sudri agrees emotional unavailability is a red flag.
"Marriage is a lifelong commitment and a pledge to stand by someone through good times and bad, so if one or both partners are emotionally avoidant, it can put a strain on the relationship," Sudri says.
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15 Signs of Emotional Unavailable Husbands
1. Lack of communication
Communication is a bedrock of solid relationships. Emotionally unavailable husbands may pull away in this department, especially when confronted with emotional topics.
"For instance, whenever you try to discuss your feelings about an issue in the relationship, he responds with one-word answers or avoids the conversation altogether," Dr. Goldman says.
2. Commitment-phobia
You made a big commitment to one another on your wedding day. But suddenly, your husband seems to have cold feet when presented with something requiring one, like a standing date night, buying a home or trying for a baby.
"Committing means fully showing up, being available and present for your partner and being OK with feelings of intimacy and closeness that come with it," says Anna Aslanian, LMFT, the founder and director of My Therapy Corner.
All of these things are scary to an emotionally unavailable person, Aslanian adds.
3. Difficulty naming emotions
Emotional identification is a critical piece of communicating feelings within a relationship. An emotionally unavailable husband struggles with this skill.
For example, people with emotionally unavailable partners may have this conversation on repeat, Dr. Goldman says.
You: How are you feeling?
Him: Fine (or perhaps "good" to mix it up)
"'Fine' and 'good' are not emotions," Dr. Goldman says. "Even a word like 'upset' is limiting because it doesn’t convey an emotion."
4. Trouble understanding others' emotions
This sign is a natural extension of the last one.
"If you cannot recognize your own emotions, it makes sense that you will not be able to understand the emotions of another person," Dr. Goldman says. "They might be able to understand certain behaviors mean something like slamming a door means anger, but they might not recognize that one behavior could have multiple different emotions connected to it, such as crying out of anger, sadness or joy."
5. Conflict avoidance
Conflict isn't fun, but it happens in relationships—especially marriages. Healthy resolution is key and doesn't involve avoiding it. However, an emotionally unavailable person may avoid resolving conflicts—withdrawing emotionally instead of addressing issues head-on.
"Perhaps, instead of addressing a recent argument, you notice he spends more time at work or with friends to avoid dealing with the tension at home," Sudri says.
6. Verbal whiplash
Does your husband say things like, "I want you to stay" one moment and then turn around and say, "Actually, I need space, so leave?" This 180 is symptomatic of emotional unavailability.
"This is the message often by someone who is emotionally unavailable," Aslanian says. "You never get to that finish line. What you want—closeness—is always so close but yet so far."
7. Prioritizing independence
To be clear, having some time alone can benefit the relationship. However, couples need to decide what that means in their relationship. Sudri says a need for more personal space than usual at the expense of quality time together is a flag of emotional unavailability, especially when combined with commitment-phobia about future plans.
8. Words don't match actions
Sometimes, an emotionally unavailable person may say the right things, like, "Of course, I am committed to you." But their actions send a different message.
"The behavior may [indicate], 'I need my space. Don’t ask me where I am going or who I am spending time with,'" Aslanian says. For example, a person may prioritize social outings with friends sans their partner.
9. Trust issues
A husband who has a hard time trusting people with emotions can feel like a brick wall.
"If he has difficulty trusting you or anyone else with his emotions, it makes it challenging for him to build a deep emotional bond," Sudri says. "For example, he may keep certain aspects of his life entirely private or refrain from sharing details about his childhood or past relationships."
10. He bails when things get deep
This sign of emotionally unavailable husbands can take a few forms. Dr. Goldman says a husband may literally walk away from a challenging conversion, or they may be there in body but checked out emotionally.
"They might not know what to say, how to say it or how to stand," Dr. Goldman says. "It also might look like they are great listeners but cannot open up."
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11. They can't apologize
"I'm sorry" is a two-word phrase that people can struggle mightily with, particularly if they are emotionally unavailable.
"A common phrase you might hear is, 'I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this,'" Sudri says. "In other words, gaslighting you and not taking accountability."
12. Cookie-cutter approach
Do your husband's responses sound like something is ripped off Instagram or sound like they've been hijacked by the AI robots? They may be making an effort to be more emotionally available, but they're still struggling to show genuine feelings.
"If a partner is aware that they need to be more emotionally attuned, they might listen when told, 'You should ask me how I’m feeling,'" Dr. Goldman says. "They can do that. They follow the directions of exactly what is told to them, but they might only be able to do that...It can feel robotic or not as genuine, but they are trying to do exactly what you asked of them."
13. They make no effort whatsoever
While the husband in No. 12 may be giving emotional availability the old college try, others don't. Often, Aslanian says it's out of fear.
"Emotional closeness is actually terrifying for someone who is unavailable," Aslanian explains.
As a result, Aslanian says an emotionally unavailable husband may think, "Why should I make an effort toward something that is scary and uncomfortable?"
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
14. Emotional reactivity
Just because a husband shows emotions doesn't mean they are emotionally available. If you constantly feel you're walking on eggshells in fear of a knee-jerk outburst, it's a red flag.
"He may have unpredictable emotional reactions to certain situations, responding with anger or frustration instead of addressing the root cause of his emotions," Sudri says. "For example, he might become irritable for what appears to be no reason."
15. You feel unseen and lonely
Self-reflect: How do you feel in the relationship? It matters.
"When a spouse is emotionally unavailable, it can be a very lonely experience," Dr. Goldman says. "It can leave you feeling very misunderstood and that your experiences are not valid or acknowledged."
How Can You Work With an Emotionally Unavailable Husband?
Sudri says communication is key, and couples therapy may provide a way to work on the emotional unavailability issues within a marriage.
"A therapist can provide an environment for both of you to express your feelings while offering guidance to improve emotional intimacy," Sudri shares.
Above all, give it time. If you're both committed to working through the issue, understand that it won't get solved overnight.
"Progress will look different for different people," Dr. Goldman says. "Notice the small changes that occur—it’s usually small changes first—and encourage your partner for those small changes."
