How to Handle a Child Who Is Talking Back
Talking back to parents is a common behavior that can be frustrating and upsetting. Read how to calmly handle backtalk.
Medically reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhDMedically reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD
One of the most common (and most frustrating) discipline issues parents have to handle is how to deal with a child who's talking back to them. Backtalk can happen at almost any age, starting almost as early as when kids master their first "No!" It’s a normal part of child development, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Talking back can be triggered by a variety of causes. It can stem from a child trying to exert control over their own life, such as what they want to wear, eat, or play. It could be a child’s way of testing their boundaries or it could simply be grouchiness from being hungry or tired.
Whatever the cause, backtalk is something parents should take measures to address immediately while also teaching them to effectively handle challenging emotions (like their own anger and frustration) in age-appropriate ways. Read on to learn how to handle talking back and teach kids how to express their wishes and opinions in a respectful and constructive manner.
Related: A Parent's Guide to Age-Appropriate Discipline
Stay Composed
How you respond to your child when they act out can set the tone for your interactions. Kids can be extremely skilled at pushing their parents’ buttons, so it can be very tempting to respond to a 5-year-old who declares, "You're not the boss of me!" with a quick, "Actually, I am!"
If you don't want your child to learn that getting into a war of words is a good way to handle conflict, don't respond until you can speak calmly and with control. Take a breath, go into another room, or do whatever you need to do to avoid escalating the situation.
Keep this in mind when interacting with your partner, friends, family, and strangers—little ears are often listening, even when you're not aware of it. Kids model their parents, which is why it's up to you to set an example and show them how they should behave.
Establish Expected Behavior
It's important to be clear with your kids about acceptable ways to express themselves. Be specific, so they know that barking or yelling particular words or phrases—"Yeah, right," "Give me a break," "Fine," "Whatever"—isn't appropriate or respectful. The same goes for rude behaviors like eye-rolling, lip-smacking, or giving you the death stare. The best way to give kids instructions is to be direct and use simple, specific, and age-appropriate language that they can understand.
It may take a few reminders for young kids to really learn what you expect, so give them a few chances to correct their bad behavior. In the meantime, call them on it when it happens. You can say something like, "Don't say 'You can't make me' when I ask you to put away your toys," and then give them an example of a more polite way to express their needs to you in a moment of frustration.
For instance, you might respond with "Next time, please say something like 'I don't want to put my toys away right now because I'm not done playing.'" Although this behavior is designed to push your buttons and test your patience, this conversation gives you a chance to help your child understand why its important to follow your instructions.
Enforce Consequences
Overlooking disrespectful behavior can often encourage more of the same, so you have to stand firm when your kids talk back or use mean words. Keep in mind that mental health experts agree that punishment doesn't work in these circumstances. Research also suggests that consequences need to be immediate to be effective, particularly with younger children. This strategy helps them make the connection between the behavior and the consequence. Rules and expectations must be clear and consistent. Be sure to communicate the consequences of backtalk ahead of time. By knowing upfront what it will cost them, kids can see how avoiding it is beneficial to them.
Consider the following consequences for talking back:
Losing TV or computer privileges
Don't forget to reward good behavior with praise
When enforcing the consequence, remind your child of the link between it and the backtalk. Don't waffle: Following through is hard, but it's the only way kids know you're serious.
Related: A Parent's Guide to Age-Appropriate Discipline
Recognize Why Your Child Is Talking Back
Be aware that often when a child talks back, what they are really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Talking back guarantees you'll pay attention—and negative attention is better than none.
These outbursts and other types of behavior issues are more common during times of transition. Some examples of transitions that may result in talking back include:
A change in a parent's work schedule
Problems at school
Your child may feel ignored or abandoned and resort to backtalk just to get some parent time. Figuring out the reason behind their behavior can help you understand and resolve the issue.
Spot Patterns
Along the same lines, keep track of when backtalk happens. Is your child irritable after school or after extracurricular activities? Do they tend to exhibit negative behavior like talking back when they haven’t had enough sleep?
Try to monitor when your child talks back so that you can take steps to change or eliminate triggers and prevent problems before they start.
Of course, your child still has to learn to be kind even when they're grumpy, but fewer occurrences of backtalk likely mean you'll be more effective in dealing with those that do crop up.
Give and Ask for Respect
When your child expresses their opinion about anything from a meal to a family activity, they are doing the right thing. In fact, research shows that kids who are confident and have high self-esteem are less likely to go along with peer pressure.
Parents should leave space to express their feelings, while still requiring that everyone in the house hold treat each other with respect. Children should know that they're safe to express their opinions and that their parents are listening to what they think and feel. But its your job to teach them that they are more likely to achieve a harmonious solution to their challenges if they approach the adults in their lives with kindness, and do their best to speak in a calm and respectful manner.
Talk About TV Shows and Movies
Many TV shows and movies depict children talking back to adults and displaying sarcasm and a sassy attitude. You're probably already closing monitoring the types of entertainment that your child consumes. However one way to mitigate the chances that they repeat back talk they see on TV at home, is to talk about what they're seeing on screen, why they think the kids talk that way, and why that doesn't work in your home.
Praise Good Behavior
Everyone likes to feel appreciated, kids included. When they communicate properly, reward their behavior with a hug, a thank you, or a compliment.
Kids who receive positive reinforcement are often less likely to act out to get attention. Parents can use the following strategies to reinforce preferred behaviors: offer descriptive and specific praise, give affection touch, provide small rewards, and arrange special privileges. All of these are strategies to reinforce and promote the behaviors we want to see in our children.
Be sure, however, that kids understand that simply asking respectfully doesn't necessarily mean they'll get the outcome they want. You may say, "I liked how you asked if you could play another game, but it's time for bed."
Related: My Child Behaves at Home But Acts Out at School—What Can I Do?
Take a Step Back
It's important to remind yourself that backtalk is a normal part of child development. Talking back is something all kids naturally do as they grow more independent and assertive. As frustrating as this behavior may be, remind yourself that your child isn't talking back because you did something wrong or because they don't respect or love you. Talking to your child through those moments when their big feelings become overwhelming doesn't just help them learn emotional regulation, it's also good for their brain development.
Seek Help
Some times seeking outside help is necessary. If you notice the following, talk to a health care provider for guidance:
Your child constantly engages in backtalk, and your efforts to curb this behavior aren't having any effect
Your child seems very angry
They are throwing tantrums
They constantly refuse to listen or follow directions
Sometimes extreme cases of taking back could actually be symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder, or ODD, which can be managed and treated with proper help. Your child's pediatrician might be able to give your a referral to a child psychologist or licensed mental health professional.
As frustrating and upsetting as backtalk may be, keep in mind that your positive response will keep this behavior in check. Know, too, that countless other parents are going through the same thing. Most importantly, remind yourself that the calmer you are, and the less you let yourself be affected by sassy backtalk, the more your child will learn to use positive ways to express their opinions.
For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!
Read the original article on Parents.
