Help! My Father-in-Law Insists on Kissing Me on the Lips.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I am happily married to my husband of 16 years. I have known my in-laws since high school and they are lovely, kind people. In the past five to six years, my father-in-law has started adding a kiss hello to the usual hug greeting when we see them. I wouldn’t be writing to you if it was a side kiss, but this is a lip kiss hello. As someone who is not very touchy or affectionate outside of my husband, it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

The vibe from my father-in-law is not creepy, but more so picking up an old-timey greeting habit. I have spoken to the other daughters-in-law about their experience and we all agree that we don’t like it, but opt to dodge as best we can so the kiss comes on the cheek, or inform him of potential sickness. But how many colds can I get?! Do we have someone (most likely a husband, one of his sons) say something to him about our discomfort with lip kiss greetings, or just keep doing our dodge and hope for the best method? None of the sons or daughters-in-law would enjoy this potentially awkward conversation.

—Why on the Lips

Dear Lips,

I’m so glad you wrote to me because it really seems like you’re in desperate need of an outsider’s perspective. Specifically, a voice saying, “What the hell?! This isn’t normal!” It’s not as if you’ve suddenly become uncomfortable with cheek kisses, hugs, or something within the normal range of greeting behavior and need to break the news about your new quirk. Your father-in-law kissing you on your lips is outrageous. (Perhaps there are some communities or cultures where it’s the norm but you’re clearly not part of any of them.)

And I think he knows it. I’m not buying the “picking up an old-timey habit” explanation. It would have been appropriate to scream and say, “What are you doing? Get away from me!” at the very first instance, just like you would have if a co-worker or neighbor put his lips on you uninvited. Or even the less confrontational option, “Oh no! You kissed me on the lips by mistake. How awkward! We’ll have to be more careful next time.” So it just makes me really sad that you and your sisters-in-law feel so uncertain about how to respond. Even worse, I think your father-in-law may have taken your personalities—and perhaps the gendered power dynamics of the family—into consideration when he was calculating whether he could get away with this.

All that said, I can tell you are not going to make a scene the next time he kisses you, and it’s clear that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and cause as little conflict as possible. So, yes, have your husbands speak to him. Not just one husband, but all of them, because he needs to get the message (which, just in case anyone needs a script, is, “Please stop kissing our wives on the lips. It’s not appropriate and it makes everyone uncomfortable”) more than once.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I have known my friend since childhood, and we’ve been extremely close for many years. We lived together for around 10 years, and during that time, I often found myself taking on the role of rescuer when she was struggling financially or with her mental health. This was my choice, and through therapy, I’ve understood this was a choice I made to feel good about myself by helping others.I’m trying to change that behavior, but I’m struggling to set boundaries and have them respected.

My friend is currently housesitting in an attempt to save money, which I think is a great idea. She recently asked to stay during housesits, which my partner and I agreed to and we enjoyed having her stay. As she was sleeping in my stepsons room, I let her know we’d be home early—mid-afternoon, implying, but not clearly saying that I’d appreciate it if she had moved on to her next stay by our return. I also asked her to change the sheets on my stepson’s bed. We were away visiting my family a four-hour drive away, and given the travel and our return on Sunday afternoon, I was planning to have a quiet Sunday evening, resetting after our visit and preparing the kids for school on Monday. I reconfirmed our return time on Sunday afternoon when we were about two hours away, and she responded by saying she was with her sisters, she’d be home later than us at around 5 p.m., and she had left some things lying around. We got home to find the iron and ironing board out with her clothes lying in six different locations around our house, including my stepson’s room. She had also not finished changing the sheets on my stepson’s bed. She finally arrived at our house at around 7 p.m., and spent at least half an hour packing and organizing her things, before beginning to arrange transport to her next house. She dropped a few hints that cabs were hard to get but my partner and I ignored these, as she didn’t outright ask us to drive her. She also apologized to my stepson for not changing the sheets, saying, “I wasn’t sure what sheets you wanted.” I feel it’s bad form to bring my stepson into it and I also feel that is an excuse, as she could have texted or called. I don’t think she is aware of my feelings about this. Her family are all very close and treat each other this way, and they don’t seem to have an issue with it. I think her expectations regarding this kind of thing are very different from mine.

My problem now is that if this was anyone else, I would decrease contact and not offer favors. However, as we have known each other for so long, I am finding it hard to change the pattern I’ve established. I’m also not sure if my response is exaggerated, because this is just one example of a series of events that have happened recently that are similar in nature. Like anyone, I don’t like confrontation, and find it harder to have challenging conversations with someone where I’m the one wanting to change something about our relationship. I think she has no idea about how I feel, and it will be a shock to her and make her uncomfortable, and that thought makes me uncomfortable. I am in a position to do favors for her, and she is in a position where favors are necessary for her. Should I just accept that we have our differences and manage my own responses differently?

—Old Friend, Bad Manners

Dear Old Friend,

Friends who are like family are so wonderful. The familiarity! The comfort! The ability to let your guard down with each other! On the other hand, being like family can mean, well, acting like one—which can include forgetting manners, expecting people to play particular roles, and being so secure in the relationship that you never ask yourself, “Would I want to deal with someone like me?” So it’s easy to see how you two got here. As you definitely seem to understand, neither of you have really done anything wrong.

It sounds like you’re OK with the mismatched relationship in which she is more needy and you do more favors. You just don’t want the favors you offer to lead to a trashed house and an inconvenienced family. So I suggest avoiding a big confrontation about the larger issue, and instead taking advantage of the extreme comfort you two have with each other to be very straightforward and direct with her about the specific things you need her to do. Harness the same “This is my longtime friend and I can totally be myself” energy that she’s tapping into when she leaves clothes all over your home. Say things like, “We’ll be home in two hours. Help yourself to food for dinner. And can you clear out of Stepson’s room and change the sheets by 5 p.m.? He’s fine with you sleeping in there but I’ll feel like an evil stepmother if he can’t get comfortable and start playing video games as soon as we walk in the door.” Or even, “Heading back soon. I hate to rush you out the door but can you take off by 6 p.m.? We have to do the big Sunday night reset and it’ll just be too much to have another person in the house while I’m trying to keep the kids on track (plus you probably don’t want to hear them melting down at bedtime). Thank you for watching the house as always. Text me when you’re home!” I think these narrow requests will go over better than an intense speech about respect and responsibility, and will get you the results you want in the short term. Long term, I’m hopeful that a few of these reminders will train her to remember that despite the way your relationship has always been, she’s not the only person in it who needs things.

Dear Prudence,

I enjoy playing games with family members. One card game we sometimes play is pinochle. I like pinochle because there are certain rules that reduce the need to make difficult decisions, such as always playing a card in the suit that was led if you have one, always playing a higher card in the suit than the player to your right if you have one, and always trumping if you don’t have a card in the suit led. Recently, two family members on the other team ignored those rules and I called them on it. I don’t think they intended to cheat but the result is the same as intentionally cheating. Everyone got mad at me. Was I wrong for pointing this out?

—Likes Playing Games By the Rules

Dear Playing Games,

The fact that everyone got mad at you suggests that there may have been an issue with your tone or that you threw in a few insults along with your reminder about the rules. But no, you were not wrong for speaking up. It was fair to assume that everyone wanted to play the game as intended.

But, going forward, it might help to define your objective before you go into family game night. Is it to spend time with your loved ones, while participating in an activity that keeps everyone seated around the same table and engaged with each other? Or is it to build your card game experience, refine your skills, create a winning record, and defend the integrity of the game? In other words, are you there for the pinochle or the people?

If this isn’t practice for the national tournament and you are in fact just there for the fellowship (with those who have shown they don’t have regard for the rules or take well to correction), I think you’ll be happier if you let some unintentional cheating slide. Keep things in perspective. Success when it comes to harmonious family relationships is ultimately going to bring you a lot more happiness than winning a card game.

Dear Prudence,

I am in my mid-40s and currently live with my parents because of their health issues and lack of savings. I run my own business and basically have my hands full with everything. I retired from dating after my disaster of a divorce. I married a single mom after four years of dating and the marriage barely lasted two. Her two oldest hit their teens as absolute terrors and their mother did nothing but make excuse after excuse. I hit my limit when her oldest stole and scraped up my car and laughed in my face when I said they were grounded until they paid for repairs. My wife said I wasn’t “allowed” to do that. So I left. And she tried to drag it out as long and painfully as possible. Since then, the few dates I have had similar red flags so I gave up. The problem is that friends and family have been pushing me to get back out there because they say I am a great guy and that the right one is out there. How do I get everyone off my back? Talking doesn’t seem to work.

—Single in Seattle

Dear Single in Seattle,

If you’ve actually said, “I’m really not interested in dating. Could you stop bringing it up?” I’m disappointed that your friends and family haven’t been able to respect that.

I also sort of understand why they haven’t. I bet they’re thinking “he’s just saying that because he’s had bad luck and is discouraged and feels bad about his situation. The right person could make him happy. Let me give him a little pep talk!”

So I wonder if the solution might be to open up to them a little more so they truly understand where you’re coming from. Try to steer away from, “I’ve given up” or “I don’t want to right now,” and instead, say something more like, “I want to talk to you about something important. You know I’ve been through a lot in my recent relationships. I’m still reeling and hurt and carrying a lot of bitterness. I know that even if I were to meet the right person, I wouldn’t be a good partner or be in a good place to enjoy them. I know you want the best for me but I am telling you that the best way you can support me right now is to give me time to heal and keep your thoughts about my romantic life to yourself. Can you do that for me?”

I’ve recently moved back to my hometown and decided to use the small town move to get more involved with community art hobbies (think submitting art to contests at the fair where the only prize is a ribbon and trying out for community theater productions to be part of the choir and help paint sets). I have no desire to be “discovered,” nor do I believe myself to be fantastically talented. I consider it to be a great way to have fun, get out of the house, and feel some creative accomplishment. The problem is that my mother lives here too and seems to be of the impression that it’s her job to crush my “dreams.”