Help! My Friend Dropped Me When She Became a “Married Woman.” Now She’s Back to Ruin My Wedding.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

When I was a child, “C” and I became best friends. I went away to college, and there was a little bit of a distance between both of us, but we stayed friends. Over the years, C and I have grown farther apart. I felt like I was putting almost all the work into the relationship, especially after she got married. When I complained about this, she just kept making excuses about being a married woman. The final straw was when I went through a series of terrible things and she did absolutely nothing to help, not even a text to see how I was doing. I finally stopped trying to have any kind of relationship with her. I saw her when our group of friends got together and that was it. Then C moved away and I moved away. We haven’t talked in three years. I didn’t think she’d kept in touch with anybody from our friend group either; meanwhile, I have, and I consider them all close friends still.

I got engaged last year and decided I would not be inviting C. I sent out save the dates a couple months ago and she called me after not getting one. I told her that we were limiting our guest list to people we had active relationships with. C started yelling truly terrible things so I hung up. Well, come to find out, she had kept in touch with someone in our group, the only other person who was married at the time. C is now claiming that the reason our friendship had fallen apart was because I had judged her for getting married and that any distance she had created between us was just her not feeling supported. She claims that she reached out about the wedding because she thought I would “finally understand what it means to be a wife.”

The worst part is that some of my friends think I am not inviting her to punish her for not being a good friend. These friends, like C, think that you can not talk to someone for years and still pick up where you left off. I believe that can happen sometimes, but this is not one of those times. I do not want to be friends with her anymore. Some of my friends have mentioned they are reconsidering coming to my wedding because I am being a “bridezilla.” I am really torn about what to do. There is a part of me that wants to just tell them not to come if they are being such bad friends, but I haven’t done that for one reason: I haven’t told them about my history with C.

At this point, I’m worried that telling them makes it look like I’m trying to make an excuse for treating C the way I am. I also never really told C why I stopped talking to her, which looks bad on my part. I’m starting to realize how manipulative C is, and she is definitely doing an excellent job at spinning this narrative. Do you have any advice?

—Bridal Blow Up

Dear Bridal Blow Up,

I do have advice! A few pieces:

1) Stop explaining yourself to people. Even “We’re limiting our guest list to people we have active relationships with” is a bit too much. Everyone knows that wedding guest lists involve tough decisions, and that people closer to the couple get priority. This doesn’t have to be spelled out and you don’t owe anyone the details of your thought process around it.

2) Disinvite anyone who has told you they’re considering not coming because you’re a bridezilla. These people are not your friends! They’re mean to you and don’t understand you. You don’t want them in the audience sending you bad vibes on what is supposed to be a special day.

3) While a wedding is mostly about your commitment to your husband, it can also be a time to look around at all the people who love you, take stock of your community, and think about what you want your relationship with all the people who’ve shown up to support you to look like going forward. I think this will be especially important in your case. Focus on how you can remain connected to the many friends who are not calling you names and questioning your decisions.

4) Finally, when it’s all over, make it a point to not be like C. Don’t let being “a married woman” change the way you treat people or lead to assumptions about who can understand you. Getting married is not a huge accomplishment—anyone can do it! Forming and maintaining solid friendships is.

Dear Prudence,

My cousin, “Gina”, recently broke a seven-year estrangement to publicly blast our family on social media over the many years of “abuse” that happened to her. She accused our dead grandfather of sexually abusing her. It was the worst of the accusations, but it wasn’t the last. I am a year younger, than her but we were in the same year. We really didn’t get along and mostly avoided each other as far as I can remember. Gina painted me as her personal tormenter and said that I went out of the way to make her life a personal hell—like I stole her clothes while we were at the lake and left her there stranded alone. None of that ever happened. I never even went swimming at the lake because I had a major water phobia. Gina started to make very bizarre and weird decisions in her twenties before she started to cut people off. I always assumed drugs. A lot of our former classmates have reached out to me asking what is going on. I find myself unable to articulate what is going on with Gina. What do I say if anything?

—About Gina

Dear About Gina,

“We’ve been estranged for a long time, and the things she said about me aren’t true. Other than that, I don’t have any insight into what she experienced or how she’s doing. You would have to ask her. She does appear to be going through a lot, and I imagine she might appreciate hearing from friends checking in on her.”

“People who make being married their personality are full of drama, as a rule.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

What obligation do I have to support a relationship between my toddler-age kids and my mostly estranged mother? The backstory is that my mother and I had a fraught relationship for decades, and after years of therapy and self-reflection, I realized that the healthiest thing for my family and myself was to disconnect from our toxic dynamic. I told her as much during an uncomfortable visit six months ago, and she hasn’t reached out to me since. However, she has sent me a few messages asking me to set up a FaceTime for her and my two very young kids. I did it a couple of times, but my kids are too young to sit in one place and engage in a conversation, so it ended with them wandering off and me awkwardly and abruptly ending the call.

It’s painful to listen to my 2-year-old being misunderstood in his toddler-talk, and resisting the urge to help translate. She recently sent my kids a package in the mail with some art supplies and a self-addressed envelope asking them to send her some pictures to put in her fridge. I’m torn, because this would mean that I need to facilitate this and mail these little presents to her, and somehow that feels to me like I’m getting sucked into a one-sided dynamic again where I care for her and get nothing in return. My husband says she doesn’t get to have a relationship with her grandkids and be rude and abusive to their mom, me. Can you weigh in on this? Am I wrong to ignore her attempts to cut out the middleman and still have a relationship with my kids? Should I just stay silently in the background and keep setting up FaceTimes?

—Unwelcome Middle-Man

Dear Unwelcome,

No obligation. In fact, you have an obligation not to help them develop an attachment to someone who, because she’s not close to you, is ultimately not going to be close to them. After all, where is this really going to go if they’re not seeing her in person and if you’re not nurturing their connection? And what will you do if she begins to recreate the behaviors that caused your estrangement when she interacts with them? People who want to have relationships with children need to figure out how to have relationships with their parents. By trying to connect directly with little kids, your mom is trying to avoid the hard work of dealing with an adult, who can hold her accountable for her rude and abusive behavior. It’s not going to work.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend’s parents were/are alternatively abusive and neglectful, and she was not healthy in either home. At 16, she went to live with her aunt and uncle, who truly moved mountains to give her love, security and a safe future. They were persistent, and spent a lot of money on therapy, but mostly it was the consistency that helped her. They also put a lot of effort into protecting her from her dad’s creepy friends and other unsafe romantic and sexual situations. I am grateful to them.

The problem is, they don’t trust any partner for her now. We’re 30 and have been together for three years. They still treat me with cool polite distrust. She says this has been the case with everyone she’s dated. I’m a good partner: I love her, I care about her feelings and her body. I keep up my half of planning, organizing, cleaning, and food stuff. I’m fun to talk to and to plan with. I make decent money and am not stingy. I know no one’s perfect, but I think I’m doing ok. It’s starting to move from awkward to painful that they still act like I’m not trustworthy or that I don’t love my girlfriend. I want to build closeness with these people who love her too! Can I ask my girlfriend to do anything about this because it’s her family? Is this something I should do myself?

—Getting Blamed for the Past

Dear Getting Blamed,

Since you understand where they’re coming from and hopefully aren’t taking it personally, can you just ride this out? Your girlfriend’s aunt and uncle’s attitude might improve if you get married, but it might not. If I were you, I’d simply treat them as if they were normal, warm people and try not to let them get into your head. I don’t suggest a confrontation of any kind, because while you and your girlfriend might have some success at getting them to behave a little differently, you can’t force someone to like or trust you. Instead, you two should focus on creating your own community of friends, mentors, and less-skeptical family members, so you’ll be less in need of approval and affirmation from people who, for whatever reason, aren’t able to give it.

Now if they’re actively rude to you (for example if they’re asking you “How’s work? If you really are telling the truth about having a job …”), you can ask your girlfriend to intervene and ask them to stop these specific behaviors. But don’t waste any more energy hoping to change the vibe they’re given off. It’s nice that you still manage to be grateful for their role in bringing up the woman you love. Focus on that and look elsewhere for warm and fuzzy family feelings.

Dear Prudence,

My girls are both 10 and at the age where all they want to do is have slumber parties. The problem is my 7-year-old niece. She is determined to be just like her big girl cousins. She isn’t. We tried three times to have her over to spend the night. The girls sleep in the basement and the bathroom is right up the stairs. My niece refuses to get up to go to the bathroom by herself. She gets scared even with night lights.

So she ends up wetting her bed. Then I get woken up to deal with it. Last time, I had to drive my niece home because she wouldn’t calm down. My sister still insists that it isn’t a problem and my niece still wants to come. I think my niece is still too young for this, and I have suggested that my sister host these sleepovers in her one-bedroom apartment. She, like me, doesn’t want to because both our places have very thin walls. And she has a new boyfriend. How do I get my sister to see sense? I don’t want to hurt my niece. She adores my girls and is very sensitive.

—No Sleepovers

Dear No Sleepovers,

It’s very sweet that your daughters are willing to spend time bonding with this younger girl, but there are a lot of ways to do that aside from having sleepovers. In addition to the obvious daytime activities, you could let her come over, have dinner, put her pajamas on, hang out, and then go back to her mom before things start getting dark and scary and stressful for everyone.
If your sister herself won’t listen to reason, tell your niece “We love having you here and we don’t want you to be in situations that are scary and hard for you. Until you’re a little older, you can spend time with us and then sleep at your house. Everyone here will be sleeping too, so you won’t be missing anything!”

Alternatively, you could ask your sister to crash on the couch so she’s available to comfort her daughter in the middle of the night. This will be a great test of whether she’s pushing for these sleepovers because she is passionate about cousin bonding time, or if she simply willing to put you and her daughter in a clearly unworkable situation so she can enjoy date night with her new boyfriend.

Dear Prudence,

I’m the older of two kids. We’re both in our thirties now, but, while I have been fairly successful, my younger sibling has had a lot of difficulty thriving in adult life. They have never had a job, still live with our parents, and have a number of self-diagnosed mental health challenges. They claim that therapy and medication would not be helpful for them (they haven’t tried it since they were very young).

A couple of years ago, my mother told me that she had accepted that my sibling will never be independent and will need a caregiver after she and our dad are gone. To her way of thinking, their sister (i.e. me) is the only and obvious choice for this role. I am not okay with this. Because my sibling won’t go to therapy, they cannot get disability and they are unwilling to consider working. My husband and I are not wealthy, and the idea of supporting an adult dependent with no income is overwhelming. There will be little to no inheritance.

Honestly though, my biggest issue is that I just do not want to live with them. We are less than two years apart and growing up I was expected to be attached to their hip. I was their support in every aspect of life from school to socializing to cleaning. I love them, but I was never able to be my own person. Moving away was the best thing I ever did for myself and I don’t think I will ever be capable of taking on that caretaker role for them again without an enormous amount of resentment.

My parents say they understand my reasoning, but both they and my sibling have refused to take any steps towards an alternative future arrangement. While our parents hopefully have a number of healthy years left, I feel like I am being set up to have to make a choice between grudgingly taking them in after our parents are gone or leaving them to fend for themselves, which feels heartless. Do you have any recommendations for someone in my position? I have suggested family counseling and/or a financial advisor, but it has fallen on deaf ears.

—Not a Caregiver

Dear Not a Caregiver,

Obviously, you can say “Nope, not doing it” and then, when your parents pass on, let your sibling do whatever they would have done if they didn’t have a sister. But I know that wouldn’t feel great to you. So I think we can find a middle ground that involves doing some work now so hopefully, you don’t have to do all the work (and live with a person you don’t want to live with) later.

Your sibling definitely has their challenges, but it doesn’t sound to me like these challenges rise to the level that would prevent them from having an adult conversation about their future. I think you should go directly to them instead of consulting with your parents. First, gather your resources so you can say “Here are some free or low cost places to go for mental health support or at least documentation of your condition, here are some jobs that you’re qualified for, here’s how to sign-up for the low-income housing waiting list, here are some nonprofits that support people in your situation, here’s how to apply for disability.”

And you can offer to spend a certain number of hours, or a particular day one week, or whatever you’re comfortable with, making these phone calls. Of course, you’ll also want to say loud and clear, “When our parents die, I cannot house or support you, so I want to help you put things in place so that you can live independently.” After this conversation, tell your parents what you discussed and share the resources. Hopefully they’ll put all the energy they’re currently directing toward convincing you to become a caregiver toward helping your sibling become independent.