Help! My Mom Keeps Tagging Me as “Sick With COVID” in My Brother’s Wedding Photos.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My brother Ryan and his wife Laura got married a few months ago. I was a bridesmaid and was thrilled to be a part of their big day. They had over 200 guests. I tend not to like crowds or loud parties and was feeling very anxious and had a headache and shortness of breath all day the day of the wedding. I chalked it up to nerves and pushed through, though my mom could tell I was feeling off and kept coming to check on me. I told her I wasn’t feeling 100 percent but to please keep quiet about it as I didn’t want to attract attention away from the bride and groom. I plastered a big smile on my face for all the photos and fully participated in everything that was asked of me throughout the ceremony and reception. By the end of the evening, I was dancing and having a nice time, even though I wasn’t feeling great. I did go outside to sit down a few times, but was chatting with other guests on the patio and wasn’t avoiding people or isolating myself. My brother and sister-in-law had a wonderful day and didn’t know anything was amiss with me.
Two days later I tested positive for COVID and texted everyone I had been in close contact with at the wedding just to be considerate in case they may want to get tested too. My brother and sister-in-law told me they had no idea I was feeling so poorly and told me to get well soon. I was feeling back to normal a few days later and all was well.
The problem is that ever since then, anytime the wedding comes up in conversation (which is pretty much every time we get together it seems), instead of talking about the day itself, my parents always look at me wistfully and comment how awful it was for me to be in the wedding when I had COVID and launch into a detailed discussion of my symptoms and behavior that day. I hate this and I can tell my sister-in-law is fed up with it too. I have tried changing the subject to other details and anecdotes from the wedding. I have tried changing the subject to non-wedding topics. They steer the conversation back to me and my symptoms and how they should have known I was sick. I have left the room, but they continue talking about me anyways, and I feel like my leaving is drawing even more attention to myself.
In a private conversation I have told my mom and dad directly to stop making every discussion about the wedding about me. It really should not be this big of a topic of conversation that overshadows the couple! It has only ruined my brother and sister-in-law’s memories of the day and embarrasses me. They will not listen to me and just launch into further discussion of how sick I was and how awful that day was for me.
Ryan and Laura just got the photos back and have shared some on social media, including a few with me in them. My mother tagged my face in each one and commented how I look so sick or so sad (I’ve scrutinized the pictures, I look perfectly fine and happy). I messaged her privately and asked her to delete the comments and she did, but admonished me for being too sensitive and not appreciating how much she and my dad love me.
In case it’s relevant, I am a childhood cancer survivor and my parents have always coddled me, especially about health stuff. I am perfectly healthy now. I am cancer free, I am not immunocompromised, I am very healthy and have a nice, normal life. Having COVID after being vaccinated did not endanger me in any way. I really hope this is not poisoning my relationship with my sister-in-law. We are friendly but not close. My brother doesn’t seem phased at all, but he has commented in the past about how I’m the “favorite” and I am trying very hard to just exist and not take up too much space in our family. My parents are making this impossible. Is there anything else I can do?
—Just Shut Up About It
Dear Shut Up,
You’ve done your best with your parents. And I actually think you can use this annoying behavior to get closer to your sister-in-law, making it kind of an inside joke between the two of you. “Hey Laura! Hope you enjoyed your honeymoon. The wedding was so beautiful, and I was really really happy to be there and see how in love you two are. I am just writing to say I’m sorry my parents are literally obsessed with the fact that I had COVID and making endless comments about it when the focus should be on sharing memories about a special day. I did ask my mom to delete Facebook comments about how sick I looked and I will try to reel her in at the next gathering. Anyway, welcome to the family—and make sure never to tell your in-laws if you have so much as sniffle because clearly they will never let it go!”
Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.
Dear Prudence,
I am 28 years old. A few months ago, my mother left my father and their home to live with the husband of a recently deceased friend. There is also a 9-year-old in the house. It had become obvious that while caring for her friend in hospice, she and that friend’s husband began at least an emotional affair, perhaps fueled by grief. In that time, my mother (who suffers from a myriad of mental health issues) also began drinking and “partying” every weekend with the friend’s husband and old high school friends. My father stayed home on these weekends and often begged her to come home and to stop drinking, as alcoholism runs in the family. On top of this, both of her parents suffer from intense mental health issues and have had numerous hospitalizations.
While I am not upset by my parents’ split (they are adults with complicated lives and relationships), I am disturbed by the manner in which my mother left our home and moved into the home of another family, where she appears to have adopted the identity of wife and mother. When we talk now, it is stunted and uncomfortable. I haven’t spoken with her on the phone, only via text.
My question is, am I wrong to feel like my trust has been broken? My mother was my best friend in my early twenties. Though I don’t live at home, I feel abandoned and confused. I worry this is some sort of mental health crisis and an inevitable spiral into generational alcoholism, and she does not hear my siblings or I when we voice our concern. Rather, she implies that we are choosing sides, that because we are worried for her and upset with her choices, we are somehow siding with my father.
Am I wrong to feel abandoned? Am I wrong to feel a need to support my father in his grief right now?
—Having a Mother Is Grief
Dear Prudence,
Before my current boyfriend, I had very strong internal rules about how I would spend my time and what I’d do with someone I was dating. But, my current boyfriend (going on five months) is completely different from anyone I’ve ever dated before. He’s considerate, kind, gives me his time freely, gives me all the attention I want while absolutely respecting boundaries, and makes almost no demands for himself in return. He seems to genuinely enjoy spending time with me when I enjoy my hobbies, and he has made a series of positive impressions with all of my friends. It’s the first time I think I’ve ever felt truly loved by a partner, and it makes me love him even more than I otherwise thought I would.
Here’s the problem: A lot of his hobbies are things I don’t think I’d ever enjoy on their own, something he is aware of and that he keeps separated from me because I think the idea of boring me causes him physical pain. In the past, this would have suited me just fine, but now I want to give them a try, even if just to spend time with him and to see if maybe I’d enjoy it because of him. So how do I tell a very considerate boyfriend that, yes, I really do want to watch some pretentious Italian cinema with him and that maybe it’s okay if I don’t like it because the worst case is that I’ll like that I’ve tried it with him? And how can I convince him to get out of his head about caring about whether or not I’m enjoying it while it’s happening?
—Feeling Up for Some Fellini
Dear Feeling Up,
This is what I’m talking about when I always tell people that if you really, truly like or love someone, a lot of things that you thought you wouldn’t want to put up with will magically become non-issues. It’s very sweet (and also, not at all hard to understand) that you want to have a boring moving night by his side. The simplest way to explain your perspective to him is to say “You know how you went bird watching with me even though you’d never wanted to do that before? Well that’s how I feel about seeing a foreign film with you.”
I do have to say I’m a little concerned about two things you wrote in your letter: That your boyfriend “makes almost no demands for himself” and that the idea of boring you “causes him physical pain.” I’m not trying to raise a huge alarm. You’re only five months in, and it’s totally possible that your consistent love and enthusiasm could give him a confidence boost. I don’t think people have to be bursting with self-esteem before entering a relationship. But if some time goes by and he still seems to feel really insecure in the relationship—like he can’t shake the idea that you’re too good for him, or he can’t relax and be himself for fear of losing you—that’s not healthy and could lead to resentment or worse. “How can I convince him to get out of his head” is not really an ideal way to be feeling about someone you’re dating. So keep an eye on whether his mindset is creating a lot of work and angst for you and whether you find yourself doing a lot of emotional work to try to change his thinking. Because agreeing to watch a movie together really shouldn’t be this stressful.
Dear Prudence,
Is it better to know what your best friend said behind your back or is it best to leave it alone? I have two close friends, J and B. I’ve recently found out J has some negative opinions about me. This came to light when I was having lunch with B. She brought it up because she was very upset with what J said about me during a breakfast they had together. B stated that it was very mean spirited. B offered to tell me what J said but I declined because I knew the minute I found out, depending on the severity of the comments, I would no longer want to continue my friendship with J. But now I can’t stop thinking about what J said about me? What should I do? Do I find out the truth or do I move on and forget about it?
—Sisterhood of the Traveling Gossip
Dear Sisterhood,
You can’t forget about this. You have to get to the bottom of what happened. It’s either a) J in fact has negative opinions about you and said something mean spirited, in which case you shouldn’t be her friend anymore, b) B made the story up to divide you and J, in which case you shouldn’t be her friend any more, or c) The negative opinions J shared were based in a legitimate criticism of something hurtful you did, in which case maybe there’s room for you to receive the commentary, digest it, and move forward. Get them both in the same place and bring it up. Pay close attention to who looks uncomfortable or gets extremely defensive. That’s the person who’s lying. You need the truth and won’t get anything out of avoiding it.
My son, a high school freshman, is a very laid-back and relaxed 15-year-old. This was great when he was younger—rarely was there a tantrum or strong resistance—but as a teenager it makes me so worried. We cannot get him motivated about school, or to find his passions. He puts in little effort and does fine. But he is very bright, and with even a modest effort he could do quite well. He doesn’t get in trouble at school, has many friends, and hasn’t pushed our boundaries beyond what is appropriate at his age. Perhaps this is our own hang-up about how he should be successful. We want him to attend college and find meaningful work. Do we just let him find his way?
