Important Boundary-Setting Phrases To Remember for Holidays With Your Family
The holiday season is rife with tradition, and for many of us that means heading home for the holidays. While seeing family members can be a joyous time, holiday gatherings can also bring up a lot of anxiety and stress for many.
“The holidays are like the perfect storm for burnout, anxiety, stress, and resentment,” Melissa Urban, author of THE BOOK OF BOUNDARIES: End Resentment, Burnout, and Anxiety–and Reclaim Your Time, Energy, Health, and Relationships, tells SheKnows. “Family members you don’t see often bring opportunities for conflict around politics or religion. There are pressures and unhealthy conversations around food, alcohol, and diet-talk—and you may be dreading questions like ‘When are you going to have a baby?’”
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This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries, says Urban, “help you reclaim your time, energy, capacity, and mental health, and ensure you get to spend the holidays in a way that feels good to you too.”
However, asserting your boundaries isn’t always easy — especially if you’re the first to disrupt long-standing family dynamics, even if they are unhealthy or harmful.
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“Most of us were never modeled on healthy conflict,” Urban says. “In some families, there is an unspoken agreement to not discuss anything hard or uncomfortable, while others fought aggressively (or worse), leaving kids to grow up determined to protect the peace at all costs. It’s likely the boundary oversteps have been going on for years (or decades), leading others to blame you for changing the rules instead of reflecting on how their behaviors have been harmful.”
But, as Urban points out, it’s never too late to establish healthy boundaries. “If you want to maintain connection with this person in a way that feels good and doesn’t cause you so much stress, you need to set boundaries.”
Urban recommends having boundary conversations well ahead of holiday events as often as you are able in order to set expectations and reduce the chance of an overstep in the moment. “This also allows your [family member] some time to process your request, and make a plan to involve others if needed (like telling other family members not to ask about your plans for children).”
If you need assistance putting together the right boundary-setting phrases, below Urban provides some handy examples to tackle the toughest topics.
Conversations, questions, or comments around politics, relationship status, career plans, or when you’re coming back to church
“The boundary here is essentially “I will not receive or remain present for comments, feedback, or conversations about politics/my relationship status/my faith,’” Urban says.
An example might sound like: “We’ll all enjoy Thanksgiving more if we agree not to bring up politics. I’m asking that we all agree to that this year.”
Or: “Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas, but I’m asking you now not to ask us when we’re getting married. It makes us both uncomfortable and we’re not going to talk about it, so please don’t bring it up.”
In the heat of the moment, Urban says you can remind your family of the boundary by saying, “‘If we can’t change the subject, I’m going to excuse myself,’ or ‘We’re not going to talk about that,’ and changing the subject. If they still won’t stop, hold your boundary by leaving the table, going for a walk, or changing conversation partners.”
On racism and sexual orientation
Urban’s advice regarding overhearing something overtly (or covertly) racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, antisemitic, or otherwise discriminatory, is interrupting the person speaking with: “Oh, please don’t. What you just said is not okay/is blatantly transphobic/racist and is actually a microaggression, and if we all want to enjoy our dinner, we need to move on.”
If they continue or push back, Urban recommends reinforcing your boundary by saying, “If you won’t stop and change the subject, I’m going to excuse myself. I won’t be present for comments like that.” If necessary, remove yourself from the conversation—essentially holding your boundary.
Food shaming, unsolicited comments about body or weight
Before the event, Urban says it’s a good idea to share your boundary with key family members. You might say something like: “This year, I need my body, weight, or food choices not to be a topic of conversation. Whether you mean well or not, it’s not good for my mental health when you bring that up. If you can’t keep from commenting on my plate or body, I’ll come by after dinner.”
In the moment, you can remind them of your boundary with: “Please don’t comment on my plate, I’m perfectly happy with it,” or “I know you meant it as a compliment, but I won’t discuss my body,” and change the subject. If necessary, again, hold your boundary by removing yourself from the conversation or event.
Unsolicited feedback around your parenting
If this is a pattern, Urban suggests having a conversation with your parents or other family members. You might say something like: “I know you want to help, but when you offer unsolicited advice about my parenting or attempt to parent my kids over me, it leaves me feeling unsupported, and makes the kids anxious and confused. I’m asking you to let me be the parent when I’m present, and please don’t offer advice unless I ask you for it.”
Over the dinner table, you can reinforce the boundary by saying, “Oh, no, Grandma, remember that mom makes the rules when I’m here. Josie, it’s okay for you to keep playing, I’ll let you know when it’s time to stop.”
If your family’s over-parenting or criticism becomes a real threat to your relationship or your kids’ mental health or sense of safety, Urban says you may have to hold the boundary by limiting how you spend time together, or how they interact with your children.
When it comes to setting boundaries, Urban says it’s key to remember to keep yourself on the list of “people you want to be happy over the holidays.”
“All too often, moms are dead last on that list, if we show up at all,” she says. “You deserve to have a holiday that feels joyous, relaxed, and special, and it’s okay to start planning the holidays by asking yourself and your family unit, ‘What do we want to do for the holidays?’ instead of waiting for everyone else to tell you where, how, and when to show up.”
Before you go, check out our favorite mental health apps for focusing on self-care during stressful times:
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