I’m a Paramedic. My Neighbor Is Endangering Her Kid in a Way That Haunts Me.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I (32F) know most parenting decisions someone else makes are none of my business, no matter how different they are from the ones I make. But my new neighbor is making outright dangerous decisions with her children. She has her 13-month-old in a forward-facing car seat when the law in our state is to stay rear-facing until a minimum of 2 years old, with a recommendation of staying rear-facing until seat height or weight are maxed out. Even more worrying to me is that they opened their pool this week and I discovered, when she invited my kids (5F, 3M) and me over to swim/play, that she leaves their 5-year-old alone in the pool without supervision. We’re not talking about a quick trip inside to grab more sunscreen while you can keep your eyes on her the whole time, I mean suggesting going inside completely out of sight for 10 minutes to make lunch while the kids stayed in and played.

I couldn’t let that pass without commenting on it. I’ve been a paramedic and firefighter for 10 years and was a lifeguard as a teen/college student. I remember the names and faces of all 18 kids I’ve pulled out of the water unconscious and/or (attempted to) resuscitate after someone else did. Eleven of them died, and four of the survivors have brain damage. I said I absolutely wouldn’t be leaving my 5-year-old alone in the pool and she shouldn’t with hers either, because drowning is quick and quiet and happens even to kids who are good swimmers for their age. I brought up being involved in drowning rescues and deaths. She told me that the decisions she makes for her kids in her home are none of my business and I could leave if I was going to be so judgmental.

Without trying, I can see the majority of their pool out the window when I’m at my kitchen sink. The 5-year-old has been out there by herself more than once since that day. I can’t constantly stand there and watch her (although it’s what I’ve done the two times it’s happened that I saw). The husband/father’s work schedule seems very chaotic with a lot of travel and I haven’t actually met him yet. Do I try to talk to him when he’s around? Is it overreacting to call CPS to report what I’m seeing since she clearly isn’t going to stop? I really don’t want to add her daughter as number 19 on my list, and I’m terrified that’s what is going to happen.

—Average of 10 Fatal Drownings Per Day In U.S.

Dear Average,

I’m so sorry, this is incredibly scary and puts you in a tough position. You can certainly call CPS—there’s no rule against it, and as an EMT/firefighter you are a mandated reporter—though I’m unsure whether this is something they’d address. This situation could potentially fall under the department’s definition of “neglect” so it may be worth making the call. And yes, you could grab the husband when he’s out mowing or something. But I do question the efficacy, especially if he’s not home a lot.

The real question is, do you want to risk any good neighbor juju in order to make another go at pool safety? If so, your best option might be a conciliatory last-ditch effort. Find your top one or two non-judgmental resources about how easy it is for a kid to drown. Jot them down on a piece of paper and head to the new neighbor’s home with a plate of brownies. Apologize for putting her on the defensive, and explain (again) that you’ve just seen so much trauma that pool safety really triggers your emotions. Reinforce that you weren’t trying to lecture, only help. In that spirit, give her the resources and brownies, ask her to check them out, but let her know that’s the last you’ll say on the matter.

If you’re not willing to risk a bigger clash, though, I think that’s a legitimate stance. Remind yourself that it is not your job to watch her children or her yard, and that more than likely, you aren’t going to be home to do it all the time anyway. Hard as it is, you have to absolve yourself of responsibility in this situation. Lots of people in this world are making lots of unsafe decisions you know nothing about, and for most of them, it will turn out fine. But you can’t save the rest. I know it sounds horribly cynical and dismissive—it hurts to even type. But it’s true.

Whichever path you choose, I think a reasonable next step is to set a rule that your kids do not play at the neighbor’s house without you. At least that way you know that you’ve done your part for your own kids.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m 18 years old, my sister is 14 and my brother is 15. We live with both of our parents and get along really well, other than the fact we barely see each other. They’re both homeschooled, and I have recently left school. My usual routine is waking up at 4 a.m. and going to bed at 6:30 p.m., but they are usually not up until 1 p.m.-ish and go to bed after midnight. This means the only time we would get to see each other is spent on their schoolwork. (For the record, my dad has a similar sleep schedule to me and my mum gets up at 7 a.m. and goes to bed around 11 p.m.). I’m moving out sometime in the near future (I don’t know exactly when) and I want to make the most of living with my siblings, but it’s hard to spend time with them when we’re barely awake at the same time.

—Sleep Schedule Mishap

Dear Sleep,

Your siblings are at an age where their bodies are telling them to follow a late-to-bed-late-to-rise system. Even though it totally conflicts with your early bird patterns, it’s pretty natural, and it apparently works well with their homeschool lifestyle. So, rather than trying to circumvent Mother Nature (in either of your cases), can you carve out some of that midafternoon time just for each other? Unless they’re involved in some kind of synchronous distance learning, there doesn’t seem to be a reason they must do their schoolwork the entire afternoon. What if you set up a regular “date” to hang out during these hours? Maybe 4 p.m. is videogame hour for you three. Or vow to hang out a portion of each weekend when there’s no schoolwork to compete with.

Yes, it’s a bummer you all can’t spend more time together or casually find yourselves hanging around at the same time, but a lot of other siblings have these same challenges due to afterschool jobs or activities. Your situation is a great example of quality versus quantity. Even if you can’t spend a ton of hours together, you can decide to make the most of the ones you have. I really believe that even a bit of time can go a long way to giving you three memories and camaraderie that will sustain you as you grow up and go your separate ways.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a white mom with a white husband and two white daughters (ages 11 and 14). We live in a predominantly white area, and recently I have realized I have never taught my daughters about racism. I am now not sure how to teach them about it, seeing as I have never said anything about it. I am not excusing my actions as I should absolutely have taught them sooner but it’s too late to change the past. Were they younger, I would go down the route of buying picture books that talk about diversity, but they’re both too old to really engage in that kind of thing now. Do you have any ideas on how I can talk to them about this in an age-appropriate way, or is it just too late for me to do anything?

—Too Late

Dear Too Late,

It’s never too late! And why must picture books be the only option? Grab a few selections from this list of anti-racist books for teens and get going. Make it clear that this is non-negotiable, own the fact that you should have been discussing this long before, and be prepared to speak openly and honestly about your own desires to be, and raise, anti-racist women. You might also check out this series of fact sheets, which I’ve written about before, by Think Tank for Inclusion & Equity (TTIE). They are easily digestible resources for critical thinking about all kinds of media tropes related to race, sex, disability, and more. You might use them with your daughters to reflect on the media you all consume, and how that media might be reinforcing stereotypes or exclusion.

But don’t stop there. As this article points out (and the headline says it all), it’s really easy for white folks to do some reading, feel some feelings, and move on with their lives when it comes to racism in this country. So I would challenge you to think beyond educating your daughters and move your intentions toward action and advocacy. How will you show up for Black, brown, Indigenous, and other minority community members? Where can you donate, who can you volunteer for, etc? How will you dismantle harmful power systems in your neighborhood or office? How will your daughters set similar goals for themselves?

There used to be this theory in environmental education (my day job) that “if people only knew” about a conservation issue, they would feel alarmed and inspired, and then they would do something about it. But recent research has shown that know-feel-do isn’t actually how it works. In fact, starting with action and supplementing it with knowledge can be a far more fruitful way to enact change. I think the same is true for anti-racism. The more you do it, the more you’ll learn, and the more committed you’ll feel.

One final note: Depending on where you live, what your school curriculum is, or who your kids’ social circles are made up of, your daughters might already be farther along on the anti-racism spectrum than you think, despite your passivity on the topic. They might find you “cringe,” “sus,” or whatever for assuming they needed your help learning these things. If that’s true, hooray, but don’t consider the job done; this just means they get to guide you as much as you guide them. Good luck.

—Allison

I have an 8-year-old in third grade, and I found out yesterday that they are reading the Adventures of Rush Revere series in class. I know they are children’s books and don’t contain the kind of vitriol Limbaugh is known for, but I am still concerned about the subtle messages he may be receiving.