I Miss My Ex, What Should I Do?

It's so hard to say goodbye...

Reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFTReviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT

For many people, the most challenging part of a breakup is this feeling: reaching for your phone to call your favorite person before quickly realizing you’ve just gone your separate ways. The length of your relationship also doesn’t matter. Whether you were together for a few months or several years, a relationship coming to an end—even if it was on bad terms—leaves a human-shaped hole in your heart that can be tough to fill. So missing your ex isn’t just normal; it’s to be expected.

While missing your ex isn’t a problem, handling it in a healthy and wholesome way that’ll let you heal and move on is crucial. It’s okay to look back on moments shared with them fondly; you might even find yourself wondering why you broke up. However, missing your ex isn’t necessarily a sign that you should get back together. It’s simply part of the grieving process when you lose a connection with someone who was a constant in your life.

So what do you do when you miss your ex so much that you are tempted to reach out and try get back together?

Why You Might Be Missing Your Ex

If you find yourself consumed with thoughts of your ex after a breakup, the first thing to do is sit with those feelings and find the root. If your breakup is fresh, they’re probably still on your mind, and for good reason. Your daily existence has involved them for months; getting used to functioning without them or not thinking of them will take some time.

If you had broken up months or years ago and suddenly find yourself missing them, look out for triggers. Did you get a reminder on your phone of their birthday or your old anniversary? Did you run into someone who looked a lot like them? In these moments, the feeling of missing them may be particularly acute. Think about what you miss about them, or what you miss about yourself that you experienced when you were with them.

You Formed a Bond

When you spend significant time with someone, you form an emotional bond. According to Tyler J. Jensen, a licensed psychotherapist, missing an ex is one of the most normal components of a relationship that has ended.

There was at one time a relationship that you chose to commit to, and you felt love within. Who knows what other complicating variables? When we allow ourselves that kind of openness and vulnerability, a part of us will miss that openness, security, or just the familiarity/comfort.

You Miss the Routines/Habits You Shared

Another reason you might be missing your ex is habit. Relationships are made up of habits that become routine. Good morning texts, evening calls, or weekend dates quickly become ingrained in your life, and you don’t realize how much so until they suddenly end. When they’re gone, it’s natural to miss the comfort, closeness, and predictability they provided.

You Feel Empty Inside

Missing an ex can disrupt your emotional equilibrium, even when you understand that the breakup was ultimately for the best. Those intense, confusing pangs of longing and sadness just keep hitting, craving all those familiar routines and the intimacy that were once shared. "It’s like facing this empty void where someone so central to your daily life used to be," adds Dr. Daniel Glazer, a clinical psychologist.

You Need Closure

Sometimes, a breakup doesn’t provide the closure you need. If there are unresolved feelings or unanswered questions, it’s natural to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what went wrong and missing this person who was once a big part of your life. However, you should know that getting back in contact with your ex isn’t guaranteed to bring you the closure you seek.

You're Only Remembering the Good Times

When you miss someone, it’s easy to romanticize your past with them. You are likely to hyperfocus on the good memories and gloss over the bad. Looking at your past relationship with rose-tinted glasses will make you long for your ex. Remember that no relationship or person is perfect, and the breakup happened for a reason.

Coping Strategies

After a breakup, longing for what you had and what could have been can be intense. If you’re confident in your decision to split up and want to focus on moving forward, here are some coping strategies to make those feelings more manageable.

Limit Contact

One of the most effective ways to move on is to limit contact with your ex. If this means unfollowing or blocking them on social media, deleting their number, or avoiding places you know they frequent, then do it. It’ll be difficult at first, but limiting contact can give you the space to heal and rediscover yourself outside the relationship without as many triggers.

Stay Busy and Focus on Self-care

Keeping yourself occupied can help take your mind off your ex. Find a new hobby, rediscover old ones, and spend time with friends and family. "You can try that class you’ve always wanted to take, travel somewhere on your bucket list, or get a makeover," says Michelle Beaupre, PhD a licensed clinical social worker and the clinical director at Villa Oasis. Anything that makes you feel good about yourself will help boost your self-esteem and confidence, making it easier to move on.

Talk to Someone

Talking through feelings you don’t wholly understand can be tricky, but it is a great way to untangle complex emotions. Confiding in a close friend, sibling, or therapist will provide clarity and new perspectives on your feelings of longing. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to makes you feel less lonely, filling the void left by your ex.

Set New Goals

You might have had certain goals with your ex, such as moving in together or getting a pet. Don’t let the loss of these goals get you down; instead, shift your focus toward new personal goals, whether career goals or others, such as maintaining good health.

These goals give you something to focus on and a sense of direction in your new life without your ex. "This shift in focus will help you to use yourself rather than being consumed with thoughts of what might have been," says Heather Wilson, a certified trauma professional and the executive director at Epiphany Wellness.

Sometimes in relationships, the other person becomes a distraction who shifts you away from your goals. If you had goals that were important to you before you became distracted, can you reconnect with those things and reprioritize them and yourself again?

Try Not to Stew

Getting caught in a loop of negative thoughts and what-ifs is easy. When you find yourself stewing, try redirecting your thoughts to something more constructive. Journaling can be especially effective in breaking this cycle.

Journaling helps you process your emotions and monitor personal growth over time, says Wilson. Writing down how you feel lets you express yourself, providing insights into what has happened to you. Additionally, reading back on old entries can help you see how much progress you have made, strengthening your resolve to move forward.

Above all, you shouldn’t expect to get over your ex overnight. There will be days when you barely think of them and find yourself reaching for a phone to call them several times a day. Take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself as you work toward detachment.

Dr. Glazer further recommends journaling as a great outlet for expressing all your emotions without judgment. Make time for mindfulness practices, dive into a hobby you love, and lean on your closest friends and family for quality distractions and venting sessions. These healthy outlets can provide a steadying foundation when triggered by memories or nostalgia.

Related: I Still Love My Ex: What to Do If You Feel This Way

Dealing With Triggers

Even after you’ve started to heal and are on track to moving on, certain triggers can have you feeling like you’re right back at day one. The first step to dealing with these triggers is to identify them. You could get triggered by anything from a song to a place, a specific date, or even a smell that reminds you of your ex. Identifying what sets off these feelings prevents them from catching you off-guard.

Now that you’ve identified your triggers, it’s time to take action and eliminate them to the best of your ability. Put away physical reminders of your ex, such as gifts, photos, or clothes. Store them in a place where they can be out of sight and mind, and if the memories associated with these items are just too painful to deal with, you could consider donating them.

Takeaway

If your current routine is primarily made up of activities you did together with your ex, it might be time to switch things up a little. For instance, if you went to a particular cafe together every Tuesday morning, try going on other days of the week or finding a new cafe altogether. The goal is to create new happy memories in new places.

Despite your best efforts, you may be unable to avoid triggers altogether. So when one does occur, try not to let it throw you off. You can do this by practicing mindfulness. If you find yourself getting emotional over an old song you both loved, try deep breathing exercises or guided meditation to help you stay grounded. You could also distract yourself by going for a run, calling a friend, or watching a favorite movie. 

Tip

Consider taking a break from social media or temporarily muting, unfollowing, or blocking your ex, especially if they are already dating someone else and sharing posts about them. Social media posts are easy triggers when trying to move on, and seeing your ex’s posts or pictures can bring back emotions.

A cycle of negative thoughts often follows a trigger. For example, you might think you’ll never be happy again or find a partner as good as your ex. Don’t let these thoughts take over; fact-check them with reality and whether it is a guaranteed truth or catastrophic thinking.

It may help to remind yourself what is true, that it is okay to feel bad now and to take all the time you need to heal. It may help to reminisce on happy memories with family and friends that didn’t involve your ex and remind yourself of what an amazing person you are, who is more than deserving of being loved by a great partner again.

Accepting It’s Over and Moving On

Realizing that your relationship is truly over can take some time. It likely won’t happen on the day you both call it quits. However, acceptance is what kickstarts the healing process. Here's how to move forward with acceptance:

• Acknowledge the relationship is over and remind yourself that it’s probably for the best. "The inability to acknowledge the grief process will lead to stuckness and can lead that person back to their ex," says Ronald Hoang, a registered clinical counselor and psychotherapist.

• Allow yourself to grieve; a breakup is a type of loss.

• As you grieve, free yourself of blame. It’s common to blame or shame yourself after a breakup. When you hold on to blame, you hold on to the relationship. You can make peace with yourself by accepting and acknowledging the situation as it is.

• Shift your perspective and practice gratitude. You can be grateful for the relationship you got to have with your ex and the time you got together while acknowledging the need for it to come to an end. Both things can be true at the same time.

• Practice forgiveness. Whether forgiving yourself for any mistakes you made in the relationship or forgiving your ex for their part in the relationship’s demise, forgiveness will free you of a heavy emotional burden you may not even realize you’re carrying. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to condone any hurtful actions, it’s instead freeing yourself from the negative emotions connected to those actions.

• Finally, reshape your future without your ex. In a relationship, you typically plan for the future with your partner. However, now is an excellent opportunity to refocus on your personal goals, dreams, and the life you want to create for yourself.

Takeaway

Acceptance is a crucial step in moving forward. You have to view your life as a book with different chapters; sometimes, a chapter has to end for a new one to begin. It’s important to accept that your relationship is over and that it was for the best.

"Trust in the process of life and have faith that better things are yet to come. My advice is to focus on yourself and your future rather than dwelling on the past," says Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist at Crestone Wellness.

What If I Still Love Them?

The million-dollar question: does loving your ex mean you’re still in love with them? The love you have for a partner doesn’t dissipate as soon as the relationship comes to an end. So yes, it’s possible to still be in love with your ex after a breakup. However, this is perfectly normal and not peculiar to your situation. Emotions aren’t something that can be turned on and off when you want. If they were, life would be a lot simpler.

"I don’t think love ever fully disappears, but it does change and evolve," says Beaupre. "Instead of focusing on the romantic love you once had, try to appreciate the good memories and lessons learned from the relationship. Your relationship with your ex was meant to happen for a reason, and while they may no longer be in your life, they have played a significant role in shaping who you are today. So, embrace the love you once had, but also know that it’s okay to let go and move on."

Takeaway

You also need to consider the possibility that you might simply miss your ex and still not necessarily love them. Missing how they made you feel, the comfort and familiarity of the relationship can easily be conflated with love. When you catch yourself reminiscing on the best parts of the relationship, carefully go through all the reasons you’ve gone your separate ways. It helps to make a list and keep it at hand. Don’t focus on the negatives or positives when writing the list. Try to be as factual as possible, plainly stating why your relationship ended.

If you’re sure you’re still in love with your ex romantically and truly believe it would be a good decision for both of you to try again, telling them might be worth it. Jensen advises communicating your emotions as clearly as possible and seeing if things can be done to repair and save the love you feel.

If you ask a straightforward question and bring it to them as such, you drastically increase your chances of a clear answer. If they are cagier, it may be the hardest decision you have to make, but that love may not be returned to you in turn, and in the long run, there will be someone who has the ability and wants to love you the way you need.

While you shouldn’t rush into a new relationship, opening yourself up to meeting new people when you’re ready can help shift your focus away from your ex. Even the mere prospect of a new relationship can help you realize that there are other potential partners out there who can bring you joy and be a better match for you.

Take as much time as you need during the healing process and give yourself permission to process the breakup and move at your own pace.

Related: Should I Get Back With My Ex? 4 Things to Consider Before You Reconsider

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.