People Under 25 Are Sharing Ways They're Working Against Their Family's Stereotypes And Expectations
It's not uncommon for parents and grandparents to pin certain expectations — whether from a place of love or otherwise — on their offspring, especially younger ones who have yet to forge their path in life.
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It can be frustrating, though, if the plans or assumptions they have for you don't align with the ones you have for yourself.
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When I recently asked the under-25s of the BuzzFeed Community to share how they're defying their family's expectations, I got some interesting responses.
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Some of them talked about defying their family's expectations of failure.
1."I get typed as a street-to-prison kid because of my mannerisms and style, so most adults (except my mom) write me off. In reality, I’m a straight-A student who is planning to double-major in population ecology and governmental economics on a full ride. The older generation thinks that successful people have a certain appearance, background, or mannerism, but I am equally successful just the way I am."
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2."My family has this impression that I’m a delinquent because I rebelled against EVERYTHING growing up. My autonomy was constantly being taken away, and eventually I just began doing the complete opposite of what everyone wanted. In reality I'm the first, other than my mother, in several generations to graduate postsecondary, and I’m actually really smart. I just couldn’t stand being treated like shit."
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3."I recently decided to get sober; I hit a year on June 11. As I’ve done my 12 steps along with therapy, I’ve realized that my parents are humans. My dad was emotionally abusive, and now I'm able to look at him as a person who projects how he feels about himself onto others. It doesn't make it better, but it does help. My mom's also dying of heart/kidney failure, and I’m always waiting for the phone call that she’s dead. I spent a long time expecting my parents to be perfect, and looking at them as human (and forgiving them for myself) has been a game changer. There’s a lot of generational trauma that they weren’t able to break and it’s hard, but I can learn from them along the way."
—Anonymous
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Others talked about their family's career and educational expectations.
4."My entire family and community took my (very real) love of and connection to animals and pushed me in the direction of veterinary school my entire life. Everyone invested in my ability to do things with animals, and no one gave me broad experiences. Around when I turned 18 in my senior year of high school, I finally decided to look at other careers and fell in love with surgery. The more I learn, the more amazed I am at how perfect I am for it. Not a single person ever even asked if I wanted to do something outside of working with animals, and they were all shocked when I declared my major, even questioning why *I* would ever want to be a surgeon. It was the characters on M*A*S*H* who guided me through this journey and helped me find myself. By the time I'm a surgeon, my parents won't know me or have a relationship with me, and I can find people who see me for me."
—Anonymous
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5."Mom made me go to college and get a business degree because she didn’t want me to end up in the service/gastronomy industries like her and my dad. Got my degree, spent a miserable year in office management, said 'Fuck this,' and became, against all odds (I’m a woman with no culinary education in a foreign country, and I do not speak the language fluently), a very successful chef."
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6."Not really that big, but all of my grandparents, parents, etc., went to a big four-year college, most of them out of state. That was my plan too, but a week in, I went home and decided to go to a community college first. They all lost their damn minds and thought I would be some sort of failure. It’s gotten better, but they still don’t believe I will live up to their expectations because I didn’t follow in their footsteps."
—Anonymous
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7."I am a teenage girl, and I’ve been homeschooled my entire life. However, my paternal grandparents have always valued education and were dismayed to learn that my parents planned to homeschool me and my four younger siblings, but we’ve remained cordial and friendly toward each other. Some of my siblings struggle with learning disabilities such as ADHD and dyslexia, but I never have. My grandparents are aware of this and have always felt comfortable asking me questions about my schooling. I plan to start dual enrollment and earn college credits next semester. However, I’m not sure what I want to do after that. And I think that should be okay — not to know what you want to do with your life while you’re still in high school. Who knows, I might never decide what I want to do with my life, but it’s not my grandparents' business anymore. My decisions are my decisions, and although I know they just want the best for me, they need to respect me and my choices."
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8."I am graduating from college two years early with my BS from the No. 3 program in the United States and will complete my master's in the same amount of time. Ultimately getting both in four years! I will be the first woman in my family to get a master's degree!"
—Anonymous
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And others talked about the expectations to get married and/or have kids.
9."Broke off my engagement to my boyfriend. We’ve been in a relationship since we were 17 and in each other’s life since we were 9. Our families are great friends and do pretty much everything together. My ex and I realized that we didn’t know ourselves outside of this relationship. It’s all we’ve known, and as our identities started to take shape, we realized we’re not meant to be together like that. We are great friends, and I still love him and want him to be happy — just not with me. Thankfully, he was in agreement too, just scared to upset his family and mine. We still get a lot of grief from the families for not 'settling down,' which really broke the mold for our families."
—Anonymous
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10."I will NOT be getting pregnant. I just do not see the appeal of having a literal human grow in my stomach and having sickness for so long, just to experience the worst pain imaginable when I push a baby out nine months later. Yes, I know that I wouldn’t have my period for nine months, but I would rather spend my money by adopting a kid to give them a better life."
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11."By being vocal about not wanting to get married and not wanting to have kids. My grandparents are all dead, so it’s not a conversation I need to have with them. It has taken me YEARS of saying I don’t want to get married or have kids for my parents to accept it. My father accepts it. My mom pretends she accepts it but still believes I’m too young to know what I want in life. Ironic, since she has 'always' known she wanted to get married and have kids. Also, not wanting to date right now. They are the opposite when it comes to that. My mom mostly gets it, but my dad can’t comprehend. He is convinced that I’m leading a secret double life and have a hidden boyfriend! Sometimes it’s cute and sometimes it’s annoying. It frustrates me that they would rather lie to themselves (I am very clear with them) than believe the truth. It’s as if they would prefer to see their version of me than accept the real me."
—Anonymous
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12.And lastly, "When I was 25 and younger, I thought I NEEDED to be at least engaged to be happy. Now I am, and guess what? I feel like something is missing. Everyone is so excited about getting married, and I'm not. I feel something's wrong with me."
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Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
