Rejecting Someone Can Be Done Nicely—Here's How
Sometimes, a “no” is kindest form of rejection
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Reviewed by Divya Robin, LMHCReviewed by Divya Robin, LMHC
We’ve all been there—someone asks us out but we don’t feel a connection. It could be someone we’re meeting for the first time or someone we’ve been out with before. Being in this situation can be tricky and super awkward. We’ve all been on the receiving end of rejection, and it’s pretty much the worst. You don't want to be cruel and leave the person hanging, but you don’t want to go out with them either. It's a fine and delicate balance.
Rejection in any form can be hurtful, so the way we reject someone should come from a place of honesty and integrity, says Claudia de Llano, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
If you’re wondering how to kindly reject someone, we got you. In this article, we'll explore strategies that can help you let someone down easily.
At a Glance
We've all been there. The awkwardness of saying “no” while trying not to hurt someone's feelings. The key is to be kind but firm when you turn someone down.
What to say:
“That's really kind of you to ask, but no thank you.”
“Thank you for following up. I had a good time on our last date but out of respect for your time and mine, I want to be honest and let you know that I’m not feeling the connection I'm looking for.”
“I wish you the best and I hope that you find all that you are seeking.”
What not to do:
Give them false hope by saying, “Maybe later.”
Ghost them and leave them hanging.
Use cliches like “It's not you, it's me.”
Why It's Important to Say “No” When You Mean It
Many people struggle to say “no” and set and maintain their boundaries in relationships, platonic or otherwise. Research shows that people generally find it hard to reject someone, even if they don’t want to date them. However, if you’re not feeling it, going out with someone on a pity date benefits no one.
For starters, it’s a waste of everyone's time and energy. Although you may be humoring the other person to avoid hurting their feelings, they won’t appreciate being led on. Being clear and communicative from the start avoids confusion, preventing misunderstandings and even more hurt feelings down the line.
Besides, pretending to be interested or agreeing to something you don't want also compromises your integrity. It’s important to be true to yourself, honest about your feelings, and stand up for your needs.
“We need to enforce our own boundaries because the treatment we receive from others starts with how we treat ourselves,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.
Saying “no” and standing firm on your boundaries shows respect for yourself and the other person. “It is a clear communication of what you stand for and what you are and are not available for,” says de Llano.
How to Reject Someone
Kindly rejecting someone is easier said than done. Here are some strategies that can help you turn someone down nicely, with kindness and honesty.
If You're Turning Down a First Date
Turning down a first date is easier if it's not someone you know very well. You're not too emotionally invested, so a simple and direct response will suffice. That said, a touch of kindness goes a long way. Try using these tips when turning down a first date:
Appreciate the effort: Although you’re turning the person down, you can share your appreciation for being asked out. Saying “That's really kind of you to ask” or “Thanks for thinking of me” can soften the blow.
Be direct: It's always better to be upfront about not being interested than coy. A simple “Thank you for asking, but I'm not interested in going out” works well.
Use "I" statements: “I” statements keep the focus on you, so you’re not blaming or criticizing them. You could say “I'm not looking to date right now” or “I’m focusing on my work at the moment, and I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship” if these things are true. If you are just not interested, you can say “I don't feel a romantic connection.”
Keep it simple: Remember, you don't owe them a detailed explanation. A simple and polite response is enough. “Often, less is more and ‘no’ is a complete sentence,” says Dr. Romanoff.
Avoid mixed messages: Don't say “Maybe another time” if you don't mean it. Be firm to prevent future confusion. You don’t want to give them false hope by being ambiguous.
Be respectful: Remember to treat the other person with respect and empathy. Being rejected sucks, so approach the situation with sensitivity and understanding.
If You're Turning Down a Follow-Up Date
Turning down a follow-up date can be harder because you’ve spent some time with the person. You’re in the awkward position where they want to pursue the connection but you're not interested. A tricky situation because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you don’t want to continue seeing them either.
These are some strategies that can help you turn down a follow-up date:
Express gratitude: Begin by thanking them for the invitation and showing appreciation for the time you've spent together so far. For example, you could say “Thanks so much for a nice time.” This sets a positive tone for the conversation.
Be honest: Share your feelings gently but honestly. Let them know that you enjoyed spending time together, but ultimately want to go separate ways. This may sound like, “Unfortunately, I don't feel the connection I'm looking for but I wish you the best and hope that you find what you are seeking!”
Offer an explanation: If you feel comfortable, briefly explain why you think it won't work out. Remember to use “I” statements that focus on your personal preferences, rather than blaming them. “I'm just not feeling a romantic connection,” or “I'm looking for someone with shared interests.”
Consider their feelings: Consider how the person will feel and validate their contributions in a way that lets them know you understand this may be painful for them, says de Llano. “You can acknowledge the person's feelings and the positive impact they have made in your life, letting them know you appreciate what they have given and what you have gained.”
Wish them well: Follow up your rejection with a kind gesture or comment to cushion the blow. For instance, you can say “I hope you understand. I wish you the best of luck in your dating life” or “I think you're a great person and I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Although it can be tempting to ghost someone instead of turning them down, saying “no” is better in the long run. It closes the chapter definitively, so both of you are free to move on without any lingering feelings or questions.
When It's Okay Not to Be Nice
There's a fine line between being nice and being a pushover.
Here are some situations where it's appropriate to not be nice or accommodating and how you should respond instead:
They’re not taking “no” for an answer: If someone keeps harassing you and asking you out again after you've clearly and definitely declined, it's okay to be more direct and firm. “I appreciate your asking, but I'm not interested. Please don't ask again.”
They’re trying to manipulate you: If they try to guilt or manipulate you into a date by saying things like “Nobody else wants to go out with me,” shut it down. “That's not my responsibility. I'm not interested, please respect that.”
They’re crossing your boundaries: When someone is crossing or violating your boundaries, playing nice will only blur your message, says de Llano. Firmly asserting your boundaries is crucial for your well-being and self-respect. You can say, “I am not interested in any further conversation. Please don’t contact me again.” If necessary, block them across platforms.
They’re making you uncomfortable: If the person asking you out makes you feel uncomfortable, don't hesitate to be blunt. “No thanks, and frankly, your behavior is making me uncomfortable.” In this case, consider reporting their behavior.
If You’re in Danger
If you’re in immediate danger and the situation is volatile or dangerous, as in the case of abuse, this does not necessarily apply, says de Llano. She says in such a situation, you may find it helpful to diffuse the person’s anger by agreeing to their ask, until you’re able to get to safety and seek help.
You can call 911 or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help and support from trained professionals.
Related: 13 Red Flags in Relationships
How to Accept Rejection Gracefully
Sometimes, the shoe is on the other foot and you're being rejected. Although rejection stings, there are ways to accept it gracefully and move forward. Here are some steps to help you cope:
Accept their decision: Remember that explicit consent is key to any romantic interaction. If the person says “no” or is not interested in further connection, it’s important to respect and accept their decision and stop pursuing them.
Avoid reacting emotionally: Dr. Romanoff recommends taking a step back and getting some space instead of lashing out emotionally. Your feelings are valid but it is important not to take them out on anyone else. Take 20 to 30 minutes to cool down before responding, if you choose to at all.
Respond gracefully: Respond to the rejection with grace and maturity. You can say “No worries, good luck out there!” or “Thanks for being honest. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Acknowledge your feelings: It's normal to feel disappointed, hurt, upset, embarrassed, or angry after being rejected. Acknowledge and validate your emotions without judging or shaming yourself.
Respect their decision: Understand that the person rejecting you has their own reasons and preferences. Respect their decision even if you don't agree with it.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. As you process the rejection, treat yourself with compassion and understanding. Give yourself the grace and sensitivity you'd offer a friend in a similar situation.
Learn and grow: It can be helpful to reflect on the experience. Was there anything you could have done differently? If so, think of it as a learning experience for future interactions. “No matter how hurt we feel, each rejection is an honest opportunity for us to learn about ourselves, our feelings, our worth, and our absolute resilience,” says de Llano.
Stay positive: Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life. However, there will be other opportunities to connect with someone special. Don't let this setback discourage you from putting yourself out there again. Trust that the right person is out there for you who will joyfully and enthusiastically choose you and make you a priority.
Related: How to Find the Best Dating App for You
Takeaways
Rejection is never fun, no matter which side of it you’re on. You can navigate this situation gracefully by prioritizing honesty and kindness. A clear message prevents confusion, while empathy acknowledges their feelings and softens the blow. Ultimately, this approach allows both of you to move forward with clarity and respect.
Related: 12 Types of Dating and How They Work
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
