What Is the ‘Rejection Therapy’ Trend on TikTok, and Will It Really Make Me Less Socially Anxious?
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Nothing makes me cringe more than thinking about all the times I’ve been rejected—like that night I boldly asked a bouncer to let me cut the line at an exclusive club, only to be scoffed at. Or when, as an intern, I pitched an article idea at an important meeting that my boss immediately shut down in front of the whole team.
I try my best to delete these kinds of embarrassing moments from my memory (as I assume most people do)—which is why I can’t wrap my head around the fact that a bunch of people on TikTok are actively seeking opportunities to get shot down (and even filming these painfully uncomfortable situations). In one video, for instance, someone asked a barista for free coffee, just because. I also saw another person request a tour of their local grocery store’s staff-only warehouse.
This social media trend is called “rejection therapy,” and, to be clear, it’s not an official psychological treatment, Elisa Martinez, LMFT, a San Francisco–based therapist who specializes in anxiety and self-esteem, tells SELF. It’s more of a self-help challenge that encourages people to put themselves in awkward situations in order to get over their fear of rejection, Martinez explains.
Of course, these little acts of bravery can’t replace legit professional mental health care—especially if you have severe social anxiety. But according to the experts I spoke with, it’s not total BS either, and it can actually be pretty useful for anyone looking to step out of their comfort zone, boost their confidence, and start taking more risks.
What do therapists think of “rejection therapy”?
Even though this trend is fairly new, its origins aren’t: Rejection therapy (which, according to many of its TikTok proponents, was partly inspired by motivational speaker Jia Jiang’s viral 100 Days of Rejection video series) is an example of a well-established anxiety management technique called exposure therapy.
As the name implies, this treatment involves exposing people to their phobias (such as snakes, airplanes, or, yep, social rejection) in small, manageable steps. The idea? By gradually confronting your biggest fears in a safe environment, they’ll start to become less scary, Kevin Chapman, PhD, founder and director of the Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, tells SELF.
For example, if you’re terrified of flying, a psychologist might start by having you watch videos of planes taking off and landing, then encourage you to visit an airport, and eventually, you can work your way up to taking a short flight. Rejection therapy operates in pretty much the same way (minus the therapist): You begin with minor, less intimidating forms of rejection so that you get used to it and realize being told “no” isn’t such a big deal, Dr. Chapman says.
Are there any legit benefits to trying “rejection therapy”?
Obviously none of us enjoy being ignored or side-eyed, but “rejection is an inevitable part of life,” Martinez says. “And when we avoid it at all costs, we’re limiting ourselves and our choices.”
If a fear of being turned down keeps you from applying for your dream job, for instance, you could miss out on a life-changing opportunity. Similarly, not shooting your shot on Tinder because you’re afraid your matches won’t respond could keep you from some really exciting dates.
That’s where rejection therapy may help: By experimenting with relatively low-risk situations (like requesting a “burger refill,” which obviously doesn’t exist), you’re able to experience rejection in small, less mortifying doses, Martinez says. Over time, these little challenges can desensitize you to the sting of not getting someone’s approval, Dr. Chapman adds.
As you’re told “no” over and over again—and nothing horrible happens—you’ll start to realize that it isn’t as scary as you thought, he explains, and your brain will get used to managing the initial discomfort. This newfound resilience can then make it easier to take bigger risks in your life, like asking a fellow book club member if they want to grab coffee, or applying to that really prestigious graduate program.
Keep in mind, though, that for some people, this seemingly harmless exercise might actually hurt (not help) their mental health: “If someone’s social anxiety is so severe that it already prevents them from engaging with anyone—like they avoid going out in public—then rejection therapy might be too much, too soon,” Dr. Chapman says, especially without the guidance of a therapist. “We want to avoid a situation where we’re throwing someone who doesn’t know how to swim into the deep end of the pool, so to speak.”
How to try “rejection therapy” for yourself
Sure, scrolling through #rejectiontherapy on TikTok can give you some ideas of what to do. But if you want to ensure you reap the benefits—without overwhelming yourself or upsetting someone else—experts say there are some rules you should follow:
1. Start small.
One mistake a lot of people make, according to Dr. Chapman, is something called flooding, or exposing yourself to super intense triggers right off the bat. “This can make you so stressed or overwhelmed that you’ll be more avoidant of these types of social situations in the future,” he explains.
That’s why he recommends rejection therapy newbies start with manageable moves, such as asking a stranger at the mall for a breath mint, or seeing if the subway passenger next to you will play rock-paper-scissors. If these feel doable, you can work your way up to more daunting challenges, he says, like asking a stranger to Venmo you $100 and offering to pay them back later.
2. Remember to respect others’ boundaries.
Repeatedly bugging that poor Chipotle employee for a taco that isn’t on their menu will likely inconvenience (and perhaps enrage) them. And trying to take a spontaneous selfie with that person from your sweaty yoga class might be annoying at best and intrusive at worst.
It’s important to work on your social anxiety without making others uncomfortable, both experts say. On that note, “you should also stay away from requests that are even remotely sexual in nature and anything that involves touching someone, like hugging or kissing,” Martinez says. “Basically, try your best not to make the other person feel unsafe in any way.” (And speaking of safety and boundaries, it goes without saying that you should use common sense and avoid pushing anyone too far. You don’t want to piss off the wrong person.)
3. Afterwards, take a beat to self-reflect.
Post-rejection, your mind may race with thoughts like, Why the hell did I do that? God, everyone’s going to think I’m a freak! To stop yourself from slipping into an anxiety spiral, Dr. Chapman recommends taking a few minutes to reflect on what just happened.
For example, you can express yourself in a journal or your notes app with something like, “That was so embarrassing, but at least it’s over.” In general, jotting down negative feelings can be a great way to process complicated emotions like anxiety, panic, or stress, as SELF previously reported.
But if you’re not a fan of the whole journaling thing, another option that may feel more natural is calling a trusted friend. “Give them a heads up and say something like, ‘Hey, I’m trying this thing for my social anxiety, so can I call you afterward in an hour and tell you how it went?’” Martinez suggests. Both of these coping mechanisms, she says, should help you calm down after facing your fear.
4. Know when to quit.
Maybe experimenting with rejection therapy is actually making you even more anxious. Or these silly little challenges just feel unproductive.
If it’s not your thing for whatever reason, “that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It just means you could benefit from a different type of support,” Martinez says. That could include finding a therapist who specializes in treating social anxiety, for example, or challenging yourself in some other a different way, like working up the courage to compliment a stranger’s outfit.
If you do want to see what rejection therapy is all about, though, try to stay realistic. No, your social anxiety won’t magically disappear because of a TikTok challenge. But maybe a few weeks of pushing your boundaries (even just a little) is the confidence boost you need to go after what you want in life—without being so worried about what other people may think or say.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
