My Stepdaughter Is Demanding I Pay for Her Wedding. Her Reason Why Is Absurd.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Her daughter is 24. Mine is 28. I am the one that paid out of pocket for my stepdaughter’s education. Her dad didn’t pay a dime. My wife was struggling with a disability that left her unable to work full time. I was lucky that my daughter was extremely academically motivated and got a scholarship and her maternal grandmother had money set aside for her (her mother died when she was a baby). When my daughter got married, I gave her $35,000 to pay for the wedding and a down payment on a house. She and her husband had a lot of money set aside as well so the wedding was pretty big.

Now, my stepdaughter is engaged and ready to turn into a bridezilla. Her fiancé doesn’t have two pennies to rub together and his family will not be helping. Neither will dear old dad. She thinks it is my job to pick up the bill.

My wife and I had a frank talk with her where we laid everything out on a spreadsheet because she wouldn’t stop moaning and groaning about how it wasn’t “fair.” I pointed out that I spent nearly $50,000 for her to graduate, and while I wasn’t looking for thanks, acknowledging the situation is what adults do. She threw a fit and insulted her mother for “failing” her and threw her disability in her face. My wife was left in tears and I asked my stepdaughter to leave.

She has since tried to burn every bridge in the family from her stepsister to her grandparents and aunt. No one is going to pony up for her princess day. I don’t know what to do here. It is like my stepdaughter has been replaced by a pod person. She was always sensitive—but never not sensible. So now what?

—Wedding Blues

Dear Wedding Blues, 

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. It’s unfair for your stepdaughter to take her anger out on everyone—and it’s up to all of you to set boundaries with her.

I think the best thing you can do here is to support your wife. How does she want to be part of her daughter’s big day? There are plenty of ways you can support a child on their wedding day without footing the entire bill or capitulating to her wild requests. Maybe your wife wants to offer to go dress shopping with her (and offer to pay for a dress, or a portion of one, within a specific budget). Maybe the two of you want to offer to host a rehearsal dinner in the backyard—or, take your stepdaughter and her groom-to-be out for a fancy meal to celebrate, perhaps after a city hall marriage. (Those can be fun!) Maybe your wife is comfortable not being involved at all, in which case you can support her in saying to her daughter: “Honey, we love you and we’re so excited to show up and celebrate with you—however you end up doing that.”

It will be up to your stepdaughter to take or leave your offer. If she wants to keep throwing a fit, that’s on her; this is not something you have to keep negotiating. Weddings are incredibly stressful times—there are a lot of societal expectations about what a wedding “should” look like that your stepdaughter is probably reacting to. Just know this isn’t about you guys, it’s about her insecurities instead.

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Dear Pay Dirt, 

Like many in the U.S., I went to university and amassed a sizable amount ($40,000) in student loans. I make decent money now, but live in an expensive city—and now in a different country—where I’m soon to start my doctorate (no loans will need to be taken out this time). For a couple of reasons, those loans are currently paused. I want to get rid of these loans, or pay them down to the best of my ability, but find it difficult to get started as I find my footing. Are there plans that reduce the amount owed? Different stipulations as an “expat”? A foreseeable end?

—Education Pays

Dear Education Pays, 

You’re still responsible for paying your student loans even if you no longer live in the U.S.  The good news is that there are ways to reduce your student loan payment—and, depending on your income, have your loans forgiven after a certain amount of time.

If it would help you to fork over a lower monthly payment, you should look into switching to an income-driven repayment plan. IDRs allow you to pay back your student loans in a more affordable way by basing your monthly payment on a certain percentage of your discretionary income (that’s the income you have left after taxes and necessities have been paid). The monthly bill can range anywhere from 10 to 20 percent of your discretionary income depending on which IDR you pick. An IDR is eligible for loan forgiveness after 20 to 25 years of consistent repayment. Not all loans are eligible for an IDR, so it’s always essential to consult StudentAid.gov as well as your student loan servicer.

If you are able to switch to an IDR, the fact that you live abroad may be in your favor. Because you will most likely be paying taxes where you live, you might be able to qualify for the foreign earned income tax exclusion, or FEIE. The IRS allows you to exclude foreign income when filing your U.S. taxes if you meet certain criteria, such as the Physical Presence Test or the Bona Fide Residence Test. Excluding your foreign income can lower your taxable income. A lower taxable income can possibly result in a lower student loan payment under the IDR. (You should consult a tax professional to figure out how these rules apply to your specific situation.)

You say that your student loans are currently paused, which gives you some time to look into the option of an IDR, as well as figure out how to incorporate payments into your budget. Use this time to your advantage: Start by seeing if you can put away even $100 a month to go toward these loans. But don’t actually make payments just yet. Put that money in a high-yield savings account so it can earn interest. Then, when your payments do start up again, you’ll have a bit of extra money to work with—and diverting funds toward the loans won’t come as so much of a shock.

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Dear Pay Dirt, 

I work at a small-ish office. I close and clean up before the janitorial staff come on Saturday. Mainly the break-room fridge since we had problems with people leaving food in it and it started to breed new life.

The policy is that everything left in by Friday gets trashed unless it is a lunch bag or tumbler. No exceptions. My co-worker—I’ll call her “Lynn”—thinks she is the exception. Lynn works early and takes the bus. We are located right across near a grocery store. Lynn will shop and leave her groceries, including marked down meats, in the fridge all week.

Lynn will forget to take the groceries on Friday. She has called to beg me to either break the policy and leave them there over the weekend or go out of my way to deliver them to her when I get off from work. At first, I was sympathetic and would take the groceries to Lynn, but the last two times, Lynn wanted me to bring them to her son’s place across town. I finally went to the office manager and complained. The policy got doubled down on in an email, and via verbal warning to the entire office. Lynn still forgot her groceries.  I ignored her text and tossed her groceries.

Come Monday, Lynn was whining and crying how she had no money and her grandbabies went hungry over the weekend. Very woe-is-me and utterly passive-aggressive. The situation is ongoing and I am tired of it. I haven’t escalated it higher up the management chain because some weeks Lynn remembers and seems to have learned and then … poof, the next week she has left six bags for me to toss. Cue the whine. I am not the bad guy here. I was sympathetic to Lynn before. She has had cancer and struggles with rent. She is also very well liked at the office. I just started last year. I understand being forgetful. I often leave my coffee mugs places. I don’t blame other people for that! Help.

—Clean Fridge

Dear Clean Fridge, 

It sounds like Lynn has taken advantage of your kindness more than once, and now that you’re practicing boundaries, she is not having it. I’m also wondering how much money she truly has if she’s just willing to waste it on forgetting her groceries every weekend and letting her food spoil. I’m pretty sure if you or I were hurting for cash, we would take everything we could home to make it last longer!

You are trying to be a kind person here, so I would ask her if there is anything she can do to help remind her to take her groceries home. Notice I said “she can do” and not “you can do.” You can help her brainstorm a little bit, but do not keep doing everything for her. Perhaps she can set a reminder on her phone, hang a Post-it at her desk, or schedule an event in her calendar to get her groceries. You mentioned how well liked she is. Maybe she can ask another person to remind her.

Another idea, although it adds time on your part, is just to send a reminder email to everyone on Thursdays to grab their food from the fridge. This way, she doesn’t take it so personally and will be consistently reminded that the rules apply to everyone. If this still doesn’t work, you may have to go to the higher-ups again to find a possible solution. You’re Lynn’s colleague, not her personal assistant.

Dear Pay Dirt, 

I’ve been with my partner, Julie, for four years and we have lived together for two years. We split our expenses based on what we make, with me paying 70 percent and her paying 30 percent of shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries). This has usually worked out fine, but Julie is a bit more spend-happy than I am and typically finds herself living paycheck to paycheck, usually going shopping or eating out multiple times as soon as she gets paid. We have discussed finances a few times since we’ve been together and from what she said, I thought she was saving a portion of her paycheck in an emergency fund as well as separate savings for future big purchases. One of these purchases is a European vacation we had planned to take soon. I have enough saved to pay for my half and we sat down last weekend to start booking flights and stays and plan out the logistics. Only, Julie hasn’t saved anything toward it. She said that she had something saved, but then she needed to buy new tires for her car, or she had to pay for a flight back home when her mom had to have surgery. In an effort to come up with a plan for her to have the money by the time the trip came around, I offered to look over her finances with her and help her make a savings plan and budget for it. She seemed a little hesitant but this weekend agreed.

I was shocked to see that she makes significantly more than she did two years ago—we should be splitting things closer to 60/40 or 55/45. She received a significant raise with a promotion last year that she downplayed as “a title change and some perks.” Not only that, but a look at her spending history shows frivolous spending on lunches out and coffee multiple times A DAY (she once spent $40 at three coffee shops one day). I didn’t see a single Target purchase that clocked in under $100 (and she went to Target more than once in a week—we don’t do our grocery shopping at Target).

I am really upset about the lying (she apologized and said she didn’t realize it was that significant and put us on more even ground) but also dismayed at where we go from here. If she stuck to a budget she could have the money for the trip early next year and I could book and pay deposits and for our plane tickets and she could pay me back. But also, I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t trust that she will stick to a budget and save money. She is asking to not change our split of bills until she has the money saved for the trip, although I’ve been paying more than my fair share for a year now. I really want to go on this trip and at this point I am thinking of making it a group trip and inviting friends along and if she saves enough she can come and if she doesn’t she can stay behind. I would also be OK with going solo and booking it as a solo trip, and if she saves enough to come then that’s great, and if she doesn’t then that’s a shame.

I would like to book plane tickets and a few places to stay in the next couple of weeks so I need to decide soon. Should I go ahead and book without her? Should I front her the money and trust she’ll turn her financial situation around? I am not interested in holding her hand through this. I don’t mind encouraging her and supporting her emotionally but I don’t want to constantly question all her purchases and spending.

—Broken Trust

Dear Broken Trust, 

I hear you. The spending is a lot (everyone deserves a latte now and then, but going to a coffee shop three times a day is a little extreme). But the main issue is that you feel lied to and taken advantage of, which has left you unable to trust her. In a sense, she’s committed financial infidelity.

Financial infidelity occurs when one partner lies to the other about their finances. This can include hidden spending and not disclosing income, but it can also include covering up a job loss or hidden debt, and lying about working toward mutual financial goals. Once trust is broken, it’s challenging to gain it back—which she’s hopefully learning, especially since it can affect your future together.

It’s a painful lesson for her to learn. And it’s her lesson. Your instincts are right: Go on your trip, with or without her. Check in with your friends to see if anyone wants to go, and then start planning. Of course, you need to have a conversation with her to discuss that you’ll be moving forward with the trip, and she is more than welcome to join you, but you won’t be paying for her.

You’ll also need to discuss that she will need to be paying more toward household expenses. I would give her a month adjustment period—which is more than fair!—to start paying your new bill split of 60/40. It’s not like her money is tied up in ongoing commitments; she can cut down on the Target sprees. If she needs help budgeting, there are plenty of resources out there that can help her get started, from apps that track spending to free online guides, including some that deal with the emotional side of spending (and may I recommend my own book, Budgeting For Dummies?).

She may or may not be able to save enough in time to go on this trip with you. But she can start gaining back your trust. And, maybe having to make do with a staycation will help her learn a valuable lesson.

—Athena

Before he met me, my husband was engaged to another woman who passed away only weeks before their wedding. Now, the dead woman’s mother believes the spirit of her daughter is tormented and unable to “pass over” because she has unfulfilled business, namely the wedding which never occurred. The mother has asked my husband to take part in some creepy spiritual wedding ceremony so that her daughter can find peace and enter the afterworld. I can’t believe this but—he is considering it. Should I let my husband marry his dead fiancée’s ghost?