Humor: Why be a Victoria’s Secret Angel when you can be a T.J. Maxx Cherub?
Oh, the privilege of wearing the dazzling, discounted, heavily manhandled wings!
If the news of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show returning in Fall 2024 was just a jarring reminder of how you never got to be one of the beloved, bejeweled, bare-bodied Angels, we might have a much more attainable modeling gig for you!
Who we are
These women are revered around the world and cherished in the community. They are spirited and determined, and have the grace and beauty of a gazelle who just scored an insane deal on a designer candle that smells like “long hugs.” They understand what it’s like to walk into a room and walk out the envy of everyone who didn’t get there early enough for the best inspirational canvases. They flourish in harsh dressing-room light, and they get insanely fired up for holidays that demand decorative knickknacks. They genuinely believe a perfect cowl-neck sweater has the power to change the world, and they never get flustered when nesting baskets don’t properly nest. They are the suburb-famous T.J. Maxx Cherubs, and it is a privilege and a great honor to wear their dazzling, heavily manhandled, discounted wings.
Expectations
In essence, Cherubs are elevated Maxxinistas — just with more authority and influence and an ever-present soft glow, like a T.J. Maxx sign at dusk. Cherubs have the fundamental skills of any deal-hunter, the confidence of a stage mom, and possess the childlike wonder of a toddler in a toy store. Even though class is key, Cherubs are also crafty and cagey, with an uncanny ability to tastefully ravage through racks like the store is on fire. Cherubs understand if you don’t nab that gorgeous faux fur bolero right this very second, it is gone forever. They also have an unrivaled sense of direction; an everyday shopper might become disoriented after finding a to-die-for front yard Halloween scarecrow next to the bathing suits. However, Cherubs know exactly how to center themselves and quickly identify the nearest exit in any T.J. Maxx around the country.
Body requirements
All sizes are welcome, but, like an actual cherub, the ideal body shape is that of a grown baby.
Attire
For the upcoming fashion show, Cherubs can choose to wear one or more of our signature items, including: a beach cover-up, a basic work blouse, pajama pants three sizes too large, a tankini (missing its bottoms), sensible wedges, a clearance cardigan, or a body shaper that’s seen 39 different crotches in the last week. Or choose from some of our hotter trends, like junior section knit tanks, chic control top tights that go up to your neck, or anything from our surprise-this-has-a-bell-sleeve collection.
Fantasy Bra notes
Just like the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, a Fantasy Bra will be worn by the most deserving Cherub. However, instead of the bra being millions of dollars, it will just be the last remaining $12.99 beige bra in your size — the one with the most of amount of rhinestones still attached.
Runway talent requirements
Cherubs must be skilled at juggling multiple items at once — without a basket or cart. We know this is a challenging task, but women who can handle the most merchandise from our 350 departments will prevail.
Possible accessories and props to hold en masse on the runway include: sassy mugs, 400-piece makeup sets, lime-cheese-ranch-sriracha gourmet popcorn from the check-out maze, a dusty fake succulent you can’t live without, oversize vases with decorative sticks, his and hers waffle irons, a small dresser for dog clothes, an indoor mailbox, a four-foot-tall edible chocolate Santa from two Christmases ago, luggage big enough for a body, an empty Snapple bottle someone left in the bedding aisle, 5,000-count packages of charcoal face wipes, and scratchy beaded throw pillows not suitable for human contact.
Modeling experience
Previous experience preferred. Those who have been Target Fairies, H&M Spiritual Beings, Amazon Prime Divine Messengers, Forever 21 Sprites, Old Navy Wood Nymphs, or Rite Aid Saints will be considered first.
Additional duties
If you are chosen to wear the coveted wings — on top of strutting down the runway and being a community ambassador — you are expected to work a few shifts at your local T.J. Maxx.
This year’s live fashion show Show
The highly anticipated 2024 show will take place in a TBD storefront parking lot in a state with 125 T.J. Maxx locations. (Potential Cherubs should know which one!) There will be performances by DJ T.J., Lil Saver, and Mr. HomeGoodz, plus a special appearance by Karen, the first Cherub to ever wear the Fantasy Bra. The fashion show will also air on the Lifetime Network, when they finally agree to that.
To Apply
Please attach a headshot and a think piece on year-round wreaths to your TJX Rewards® credit card application.
Sara K. Runnels is a seasoned humor writer, copywriter and writer-writer living in Seattle, WA. She is a regular contributor to The New Yorker & her sharp social commentary can be found, quite literally, all over the internet under @omgskr.
