Students Share What It's Like Growing Up in a World Post-Sandy Hook

More than a decade after the Sandy Hook school shooting, children share what they wish their parents knew about shooter drills, lockdowns, and more.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

On December 14, 2012, 26 people—20 children and six adults—died when a shooter opened fire at Sandy Hook Elementary School. One of those children was Dylan Hockley, age 6. His mother, Nicole, went on to co-found Sandy Hook Promise. The nonprofit seeks to turn tragedy into transformation by empowering children and adults to prevent and stop gun violence and senseless deaths like Dylan’s.

“I will forever miss my son and want him back,” Hockley says. “I am very proud of the fact that I have been able to channel my love into this organization and provide a legacy for him and others by saving others.”

The organization has had a significant impact. It advocated for the passage of the STOP School Violence Act of 2018, which aims to improve school security by giving students and teachers tools to recognize and respond to violent acts. It’s progress. But at the same time, the landscape has changed, and shootings remain a very real threat.

According to The Washington Post, the U.S. Government doesn't track school shootings. So the newspaper created its own database. Since the shooting at Columbine High School took the lives of 12 students and a teacher in 1999, there have been 392 school shootings during school hours. That includes the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The Post also reports more than 359,000 students have experienced gun violence in their school since Columbine.

In an attempt to protect students, active shooter drills have become as normal as the fire drills many parents remember going through as school children. The constant reminder that they—or their classmates and teachers—could die at school is taking a toll.

“[Some measures] have become mainstream...whether they are going through metal detectors, having their bags checked, or doing drills at school,” says Rachel Masi, PhD, a clinical psychologist. ”These kids are doing this starting in pre-school. It has become part of the expectation of what happens when they go to school, and it concerns kids.”

A 2021 study found that anxiety, stress, and depression increased by about 40% following shooting drills, for instance. Researchers found that civic engagement increased after drills and concluded that the data and lack of evidence that these drills save lives suggest that proactive safety strategies might be more effective and better for student mental health.

That’s what the data shows. But it can be easy to look at a peer-reviewed study–however data-driven—and get lost in the numbers. What about the children and adolescents behind these numbers—the ones bearing the weight of active shooter drills? How can parents who may not be able to relate help?

Those are the questions we posed to people affiliated with Sandy Hook Promise, including children.

What Kids Wish Parents Knew About Life After Sandy Hook

Sandy Hook Promise may be an adult-led nonprofit, but the organization does extend to those most affected—our students. The Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE) Promise Youth Club is the youth leadership arm of the organization. There are over 4,500 clubs across the country. They are led by the National Youth Advisory Board to empower young people to take active roles in school safety and prevent violence.

Sandy Hook Promise recently asked some of these students some critical questions: What is one thing that you don’t think your parents understand when it comes to being a student and facing the threat of gun violence? And, what could they do to better support you?

The pre-teens and teenagers answered, and some asked to remain anonymous. Their responses highlight the anxieties, frustrations, and hopes of a generation. They’re raw, powerful, and, at times, chilling and tragic. In their own words, here’s what some of today’s youth wish their parents knew.

Parents are underestimating the mental toll of the constant anxiety around school shootings

Sandy Hook Promise recently polled 27 of its National Youth Advisory Board members and Youth Lab participants. Both consist of students from across the country who encourage a culture of inclusivity and empathy, educate other youth on the warning signs of violence, and share their experiences and perspectives on the impact of Sandy Hook Promise programs on their schools and communities.

The majority of respondents polled (60%) explicitly stated they feel scared, worried, or terrified at the thought of a school shooting. But let’s go beyond that number.

• “There are days where I dread going to school because I’m scared that something could happen.” - Name withheld, 15.

• “It's gotten to the point that people say things like, ‘If there is a shooting, I hope you die first.’ Nobody really cares if people could actually die.” - Name and age withheld.

• “I want them to understand that our generation is the one who is facing this. And that yes, it is scary for all of us, it is [scarier] for the students having to walk on to campus every day not knowing what is going to happen that day.” - Jade Vanessa, 16.

• “School isn't always a safe place.” - Zahirah, 12.

A representative for Sandy Hook Promise who reviewed the responses says the last one—that school isn’t a safe space—came up repeatedly. Dr. Masi hears it in her practice, too. Though the number of students polled may be small, it's reflective of what she's seeing more broadly, too.

“It’s something my generation took for granted,” Dr. Masi says, adding that she’s seeing an uptick in school refusal since in-person learning resumed in full following the acute phase of the COVID-19 pandemic. “School was a safe place that you went for eight hours and came home. That’s not the experience of our kids.”

Active shooter drills and lockdowns were not something most parents have experienced, unless they work at a school, making it challenging to understand what they’re like.

“I don’t think they understand how traumatizing it can be or the fear that that is creating in kids that school is not safe,” Hockley says.

Jade Vanessa tries to put it into words.

“My parents don’t understand that, at times, we know just as much information as they do when we are in lockdown,” the student says. “I get questions from my mom asking, ‘What happened?’...Most of the time, we don’t know because the administration doesn’t tell us...I understand they just want to make sure we’re OK and safe, but the stress of those questions almost makes it seem like I’m trying to calm them down rather than them trying to calm me down.”

Kids feel their fears of school shootings are being invalidated

No parent wants their child to be afraid to go to school. But in an attempt to quill their children’s fears—and perhaps their own, too—students and experts say they may be shutting down necessary conversations.

• “I don’t think my parents understand the extent that children understand the threat of gun violence. Students are aware of this very real possibility and live with it all the time. Parents should know that their worries and fears are not just their own but that they share [them] with their kids. This is a subject that parents should proactively address, even if their child doesn't initiate the conversation.” - Vedant, 17.

• “One thing I wish parents could do with this information is have a talk to clear the thoughts of ‘It can’t and will never happen to me.’ This will help us move to our next part of talking about safety measures that should be in place instead of just ignoring the situation.” - Hanadie, 19

A mother herself, Dr. Masi understands the temptation to say, “You have nothing to worry about.” It typically comes from a well-meaning place.

"As parents, our first response is that we want them to feel better, but sometimes…it can have the counter effect because it invalidates their experience or they are not learning to regulate the anxiety internally,” Dr. Masi says.

Dr. Masi says a child may think, ”I feel better for 30 seconds because my mom says it’s not going to happen, but I haven’t really taken that…[step] in myself to regulate those fears.”

As a result, kids may stop opening up to parents when they need them most.

“When we invalidate it, we become untrustworthy,” Dr. Masi says. “[They think,] ‘You’re saying it’s not going to happen, but then why are we doing these drills?’”

Kids wish their parents would speak up

Most of the children going through active shooter drills are not old enough to vote—but their parents are. Moreover, while parents may feel helpless to drive change or afraid of wading into a hot-button topic, young people who spoke with Sandy Hook Promise say they wish their parents would.

• “Because I’m too young to vote, listening to my fears and using their voice to vote will help instill safer laws and requirements. At least knowing parents are trying to vote and make a change with us makes me feel safer and more hopeful.” - Arianna, 15.

• “I wish that my parents could advocate more for gun control, as in voting and sometimes post on their social media about the threat that has been made and what it truly means to be in a violent gun issue.” - Gabriella, 13.

As the data from the 2021 study indicates, it’s not just about drills. Additionally, Masi says advocacy is about more than just asking about cameras and locked windows.

“Those are certain measures, but they aren’t the measures that make kids feel safe,” Dr. Masi says. “You want to advocate for mental health resources and funding—programs that can contribute to a healthy environment that looks at building inclusivity and kindness. All of those things can be really powerful from kindergarten to the senior year in high school.”

Seeing you speak out—and participating in these programs—can inspire kids to do the same, setting off a vital ripple effect that makes them feel safer at school.

What Parents Can Do

These words may alarm and sadden parents, but Dr. Masi and Hockley both agree that opening dialogue and taking action can ease a burden young people should not have to carry. The two share tips for what parents can do.

Listen, validate, and avoid projecting

Students want to feel validated, not brushed off.

“The biggest thing you can do is listen,” Dr. Masi says. “Do more listening and less talking.”

As you listen, Dr. Masi says it’s crucial to consider your emotions before responding.

“As parents, one of our biggest challenges is managing our own anxieties,” Dr. Masi says. “Am I shutting down the conversation and telling you it isn’t going to happen because it brings out a fear of mine?”

That said, just because a child is afraid to go to school doesn’t mean they should stay home. Dr. Masi says you can tell a child that you understand their fears and that they are valid. Then, say, “But we’re going to keep going. We are going to put our best feet forward.”

Ask probing questions

Children may not willingly come to you with their concerns, but Hockley and Dr. Masi say opening the dialogue is essential.

“If they had a bad day or are more reticent or withdrawn, be the one that reaches out to them about their experiences … be the one that asks them about active shooter drills and how that makes them feel,” Hockley says.

Probing questions rather than “yes or no” ones can help parents keep their fingers on the pulse of a child’s current mental health. Dr. Masi says questions like “Who did you sit with at lunch?” and “Who did you talk to?” can help ascertain if a child feels isolated.

Get involved

Students wish their parents engaged more frequently in advocacy. Dr. Masi says that getting involved with the Parent Teacher Association (PTA) or school board is one way.

• “Use your voice to create that sense of community,” Dr. Masi says. “It’s really powerful.”

Remember, advocating for mental health and community-building resources, rather than asking about more active shooter drills and locked windows, is more likely to help children feel empowered and safer.

“Kids feeling empowered is really important,” Dr. Masi says. “If they feel like they can make their school and community feel safer. They will feel safer when they get there.”

To be clear, advocating for mental health resources doesn't mean ignoring the need for common-sense measures to limit access to guns. Limiting gun access and increasing mental health resources is a life-saving "both/and" not an "either/or."

"[When students] feel like they are alone in the world and that others are against them, it continues to undermine their belief in themselves and value and can lead to violence in terms of self-harm or inability to manage anger towards others or resolve conflicts in a peaceful way," Hockley said. "When you combine that with access to a weapon, you have a perfect storm.”

Sandy Hook Promise has ways to get involved, including volunteering and information on programs parents can advocate for implementation in their child’s school.

Know when to take emergent action

Dr. Masi says it's crucial to know the warning signs that a child is struggling. Getting someone help can prevent them from harming themselves or others.

Signs a child might need professional help include:

• Suicidal ideation, which could present as comments like, “I don’t want to be here.”

• Increased irritability

• Withdrawal

• Lack of interest in activities or people that they used to love

• Sleep changes

Hockley stresses there’s no shame in getting help.

“We have to remove the stigma,” she says. "Everyone needs help at some point, whether it is a friend that is guiding you, a tutor helping you academically, or a therapist...There are so many options available. Online, via phone, or in person. That should be encouraged. The important thing is to take action and not assume it’ll work itself out.”

Dr. Masi adds that a school psychologist and pediatrician can also provide resources.

The Sandy Hook Promise website also has information on warning signs that an individual may be in crisis and could commit an act of violence against themselves or others.

Don't lose hope

We said “never again” after Sandy Hook happened. We said “never again” after Parkland and Uvalde happened. It’s easy for parents to feel hopeless. Despite going through a tragedy that should be unimaginable to all parents but is frankly all too common, Hockley still has hope.

According to Sandy Hook Promise, the organization has prevented more than 200 acts of violence with a weapon, engaged more than 23,000 schools, and averted 15 school shooting plots with its programs.

“I can’t go back in time and save my child, but through him, we are saving other children,” Hockley says. “School shootings and gun violence are not inevitable. Through Sandy Hook Promise, we’ve proven we can do that.”

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