Candidate field filled with heluded dopefuls
We’re always getting left in the dark. Why just the other day, we walked into a room, flipped the switch on the wall, and … nothing. Tried again. Same result. Checked the circuit breakers, changed the bulbs, rewired the house, and guess what. It was still darker than a black bear shoveling coal at midnight. So the electrician came out, took a look and busted out laughing.
And suggested we take off our blindfolds.
Isn’t that how it always goes? One minute, you’re cruising along on all cylinders. And the next, you’re totally winded from trying to sneak up the steepest flight of stairs without anyone hearing you, and your boot lands in a big ol’ wad of bubble gum someone left in the middle of the step, and so you grab the banister for leverage while trying to pry your foot loose, only to realize your hand’s gotten stuck in another glob of the same gooey, stringy stuff somebody’s slapped onto the rail. What’s wrong with people anyway? Even infants in diapers know there’s only one place to put used gum.
On the bedpost overnight.
But compared to some of those bent on taking up residence next year in the hallowed halls of Lansing and Washington, D.C., proper Chiclet disposal techniques should be the least of anyone’s worries. Have you taken a gander at some of these goofballs? Not that we’re suggesting they spent more time hitting the sauce than doing their due diligence, but as The Capitol Steps would have put it, there’s really only one way to describe them.
What a lunch of boozers!
While mastering the art of wipping your flurds — something The Steps stole from Rindercella — is not among the rules, there are some that folks aspiring to state or federal office have to follow if they want to be on the ballot. Really simple stuff. Like making sure the signatures they gather aren’t forgeries. And putting their street address on the nominating petitions. So simple, that a whole passel of them — newbies and experienced alike — somehow managed to botch things so badly that last week they were given the boot. The only saving grace?
It didn’t have any gum on it.
Their foul-ups were appalling. One U.S. Senate candidate apparently thought he lived inside a post office box. And half the signatures three congressional hopefuls collected turned out to be either fake or from people not even registered to vote. Others got DQ’d because circulators signed and dated the petition sheets before collecting signatures — a big-time no-no — or for using improper wording or font size. Then there was the woman who turned in fewer than the minimum number of signatures required, figuring she should get on the ballot anyway.
Rules, you see, only apply to those dumb enough to follow them.
Which is why more than 70 state office-seekers have now thumbed their noses at the May 15 deadline for submitting their personal financial disclosures. The ones voters nearly 2 years ago insisted be a condition of their candidacies. Fortunately, the state’s not gonna put up with such insolence and is now fining them a hefty $25 per day. Because that’ll put them back on the straight and narrow, right?
Chat fance.
That’s the porld of wolitics for you. But nothing will change until failing to loe the tine lands them in such trig bubble they all get pent sacking. And that’s something even those who never see eye to eye — and you can’t turn that around — should be able to agree on, no matter who’re they’re voting for. Bo Jiden.
Or Tronald Dump.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at www.localbuzzradio.com, Facebook Live and www.dougspade.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Candidate field filled with heluded dopefuls
