My son didn't want to invite his whole class to his birthday. I was mortified.
I recently threw a birthday party for my soon to be 7-year-old.
Last year we invited the entire class, however this year my son wanted to exclude some kids.
In the end it all worked out, but there were some tears along the way.
If you had told me a year ago that I would be stressing out planning a birthday party for my soon-to-be 7-year-old, this sleep-deprived mom would have chuckled in disbelief.
The party planning started off smoothly. It was super easy securing a place to host the event and surprisingly fun shopping for the food and favors. However, when it came to deciding who to invite to this spring soiree, the mood got heavy in a hurry.
I wondered if my son was becoming a mean kid
My plan was to invite the whole class just like we did the previous year, but when I mentioned this to my son, he was not on board. He wanted to exclude certain kids he said were annoyings surprised. They seemed so sweet during school drop-offs, and I really liked their parents. "No, Mom, I don't want to invite them," he said as we sat together watching "Bluey" on the couch.
I couldn't believe this. When I was his age, you either invited the whole class or no one. I had no idea how to navigate this. I then chatted with some of my mom friends and they also said they hadn't invited the entire class for their kids' parties.
I remember how horrible I felt in fourth grade when I was excluded from an event, and I vowed as a mom never to let that happen again.
I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, certain that he was just tired and would change his mind. I brought it up gently again after dinner, and he started crying, "No, mama, please, I don't want them there." I was so confused; how bad could these kids be? I spoke with his teacher as well as some of his friends, maybe I was missing something and my son was being bullied? Luckily it wasn't anything like that, the kids just tended to be a bit more rambunctious and, as my son described, kind of annoying. But still, they are only first graders, and I didn't want to leave them out.
I stopped pushing him about it
I needed some guidance, so I reached out to seasoned child psychologist Emily Edlynn, who recently wrote the book "Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children."
Edlynn suggested I resist the urge to push the subject as it would certainly "backfire in potentially spectacular ways," as demonstrated by his latest crying session. She recommended I frame the conversation around the types of values our family encourages.
I asked him how he felt when he wasn't invited to an event and reminded him how important it is to always be kind. I didn't push him on it, even as we secured the venue together and chatted about which snacks to bring. Edlynn also mentioned using this as an opportunity to nurture his emotional intelligence, stating, "Help your son practice empathy and perspective-taking by asking him what it might feel like for the uninvited kids to know about his party." When I brought it up through that lens, he just shrugged and went back to playing with his Lego bricks.
He got there on his own, and I'm so proud
The day finally came to pass out the invitations to his classmates. I handed him the Ziploc bag containing the invites, and suddenly, he looked up at me and, completely unprovoked, asked, "Mama, what do you think? Maybe we should invite those kids? I mean, I don't think they get invited to many birthday parties." I was floored. I couldn't believe this. I hugged him but didn't make too big a deal out of it. Of course, on the inside, I was jumping for joy.
The kids in question didn't even end up attending the party, but that really wasn't the point. My son learned a valuable lesson about being considerate and kind. Next year, he still might not want to invite the whole class for his birthday so perhaps we pivot and also have an end of the year class party with everyone, an idea Edlynn suggested.
I know that my son is not going to be friends with everyone, and I can't prevent feelings from being hurt, but right now, I'm savoring the success of my autonomy-supportive parenting moment.
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